Star Under the Stairs
by UnderneathTheBridge
Summary: On waaayyyyyyy hiatus. If I were you, I wouldn't bother.
1. Default Chapter

I debated whether to put this up because I mainly wrote it for my own amusement.  Oh well, it's still good.  Well, it's Snape's journal, I know it's overused but this one is still pretty good even though it's REALLY DEPRESSING most of the time=)  Yes, the first chapter is in third person.  Snape's still writing it.  I didn't make a mistake.  I don't make mistakes.  Except when I put up that one list of story challenges and it got taken off.  Come on, I'm not the first person who forgot to read that part.  And besides, I read someone else's who did that…well, no one cares, here ya go.

Severus was eight years old.  He was standing in the kitchen, wearing a long nightshirt with Quidditch brooms and Golden Snitches on it.  He looked older than eight, with shoulder-length floppy black hair and incredibly pale skin.  A woman with long, glossy black hair and a slightly glazed expression on her face was sitting at the kitchen table and staring into space.  There was a half-empty bottle of wine and an empty wine glass on the table in front of her.  Severus tugged on her lavender robes sleeve.  It took her a while to respond, but eventually she turned her head to look at him and smiled.

            "Hey, Sevi…whaddya want, sweetie?"

            "Why did you have to marry Glenn, mama?"  She closed her eyes and touched her hand to her forehead.

            "Oh, Severus, don't you realized that he saved us?  I've explained it to you a _million_ times, but if you need to hear it again…" Her words were slurring together.  "Your old daddy beat us and yelled and kicked and screamed…then he left and we met Glenn and he was perfect.  He has a good job, so mommy can just…mommy can stay home with you, and he takes care of us…don't you love your new daddy, Sev?"  She was smiling with her whole mouth.  "Now go to bed, Severus."

            "I don't want to, mummy.  Can't I stay up a little later?"

            "It's 10 o'clock, Sevi.  Daddy's already asleep."

            "No, he's not."  She looked away from Severus and poured some more wine.

            "Go to BED, Severus!"

"Are you going to the bar again tonight, mummy?"

"I'm going out, Sev."

"Don't go, mummy."

"You're so sweet, Sevvie.  Now go to bed.  That would make me happy, Severus.  Don't you want me to be happy?  Nobody wants me to be happy…" Severus ran up the stairs to his bedroom and slammed the door shut.  He turned out the lights and crept into bed.  He pulled the covers over his head and closed his eyes.  He started to think of happy things, like his broomstick.  He was a really bad rider, but it was fun when he could get it to work.  He liked being up high.  He thought of the big pile of comic books that Glenn had bought him.  They were fun, even if they were from Glenn.  He heard the door creak open.  His body seized up.  

            "Sevi?"  It was a whisper.  Glenn.  The covers were pulled off from over his head.  He stared up at Glenn.  Glenn was still fully clothed.  "Hi, Sev.  Mind if I sit down?"  Glenn sat down on the bed next to him.  "Hey, Sev.  You're not tired, are you?  No.  You don't need too much sleep.  You're not like other little boys.  You're special, Severus."  Glenn put his arm around Severus.  "You need love.  Your old dad didn't love you.  He hurt you.  I'd never hurt you like that.  I love you, Severus.  Do you love me?"  Severus managed to get the words out.

            "Yes, daddy."

            "Good.  He was a bad man.  And your mother…I love her, but she can't take care of you.  She does bad things, and she doesn't give you the love you need.  I don't love her like I love you.  I love you the most."  Glenn smiled at Severus.  "People don't understand the way I love you.  That's why you can't tell them.  Our love is so, so special that nobody can know except us.  If your mummy asks why I was in here, what are you going to say?"

            "That…I had a bad dream."

            "What was it about, Sevi?"

            "My old dad hitting me."  Glenn embraced Severus.

            "Good.  You're a special boy, Severus.  And so smart.  You're the best little boy in the whole wide world."  Glenn started to take off his shirt.  Glenn didn't look like the pale, skinny Snapes.  He was buff and muscular, with blond sandy hair.  And he was Muggle-born.  "Remember, this is how daddies love their favorite little boys.  Do you want me to help you with your nightshirt?"


	2. The rambling begins

See, I told you that it was depressing.  Now old Snapeykins starts writing in first person again.  I hope I did a good job of interpreting his restless emotions, I'm a little uncertain because I am a teenage female while he is a grown man.  Oh well, I always think that everything I wrote is much crappier than it actually is.  I'm really self-deprecating.

That's really all I can write about that.  My arm just seizes up and my quill won't move.  It doesn't even seem like it's me back there in that bed with Glenn.  That's why I wrote in third person.  I'm sitting here, on my bed with a quill in one hand writing in my little pussy journal.  I've got a glass of wine in the other hand-just like dear old mum, right?  Usually I just toss back some beer, whiskey, what have you, but I think the whole journal thing is a special occasion.  It's not like I'm ever going to find anyone to share these things inside my head with.  That's why I went and bought this.  No magic, just something to right things down in.  Wasn't Glenn a lovely man?  And I never got the chance to yell at him or mum, either.  They died a few months after I graduated from Hogwarts.  One day mum was really drunk, playing around with a wand, accidentally killed Glenn.  She killed herself when she realized what she had done.  Way to go, mum.  Real blaze of glory, that.  The house-elf's the only credible source of information in this sordid little tale.  For the life of me I don't know how we got a hold of a house-elf.  We were dirt poor until old Glenn came around.  Glenn the Mudblood.  Of course, Muggle-borns don't really bug me now like they used to.  I think that's why I hated them for so long, because of what he did to me.  Glenn Farnsbury.  That was the bastard's name.  Thank god I never took it.  He may have made me a Death Eater, but Genevra made me a bachelor.  That was my mother's name, Genevra.  Every time I see a woman, I think of her.  And she's one of the last things I want to think of.  But I do want a girlfriend.  I'm incredibly lonely in a way that no one could possibly, possibly understand.  But _anything _sexual just gets me thinking about Glenn and I freak.  I should do something about it; I know it's not normal or healthy.  A support group or something along the lines.  But where would telling my story to fourteen unemployed losers who are too wrapped up in their own little traumas to sympathize really get me?  There's no closure.  Even though the bastard's dead there's no closure.  I sold that house, set the house-elf free.  It's a craphole anyways.  I don't remember my real dad much.  His name was Gustavus Snape.  He gave me my huge nose, my disgusting greasy hair, a few bruises and left.  I wonder where he is sometimes.  Maybe he's still alive.  I know that someday I'll see a guy with my nose and hair in some bar.  I think I'll beat him down.  He's old by now; I could take him on if he had to resort to beating up a five-year-old and a five-foot-tall drunk girl to feel like a man.  If he's still alive.  Which he probably isn't.


	3. I forgot whats in here

I'll see if I can post some more tomorrow.  This is all you get for now, you impatient freaks.  Please R/R if you get the chance, I'm very anxious about this story.

Just been talking to Minerva.  She's the only person at this goddam school that really asks me for more than the time of day.  Most of the other teachers and stuff give me a pretty wide berth.  Not to mention the students.  We were talking about Quidditch.  I always wanted to play Quidditch when I came to Hogwarts.  I could barely balance on a broom, but every year I tried out for the team.  That got me a lot of abuse.  I was this skinny little kid who jumped when anyone said his name and knew all of this Dark Arts crap.  When did I learn all that stuff?  I think I started plotting revenge against old Glenn when I was ten.  I was a smart kid.  Learned quickly.  Well, back to Minerva.  I think she talks to me because of that time she came to my rooms to give me a memo and saw me passed out on the floor.  That was a nightmare.  She freaked out and sent me to the hospital wing.  When I woke up, Poppy, Albus, and Minerva were all standing over me frowning, and I had the hangover from hell.  Oh, god, I cringe just thinking about it.  Well, to make a long story short Minerva wants to save my mortal soul now.  She's a pretty woman when she takes her hair down and puts some makeup on.  But that has nothing to do with anything.  I was a crappy Death Eater.  Three goddam weeks with the Dark Lord and I'm running to Dumbledore, sobbing my eyes out in front of the Order, James and Sirius and Lily…that bastard Black was just leaning back in his chair and frowning…he takes no responsibility for what he did to me.  I think James might have felt a little sorry.  But not very.  I did get to chew out Black before he died, though.  It didn't really work out that great.  


	4. The requested next chapter

Whoa!  You people liked it!  Thank you FUDDYDUDDY!  Thank you DracoMalfoy23!!!!!!  Thank you ObSidian10!!!!!  Thank you lilith!!!  Thank you narfysnape!!!!!!  Thank you Les123454321!!!!!!!  Thank you Elayne Sedai!!!!!!  That's like….7 people!  Dammit, Honors Geometry wasn't for nothing!  You're all such wonderful people that I'm going to tell you the Ballad of the Ugly Lego.  I was at my friend Anne's house in Minnesota, and I was hanging out in her room raiding her manga collection (read Kodocha!  It's really cute…and a bit strange!) but anyways, I see this really ugly Lego version of this little dude in a dungeon thing.  All I remember is that the Lego had a little freaky felt cape and was REALLY ugly.  I say, "Anne, what is that?"

"I think it's Snape from Harry Potter, actually."  I just start laughing.  Hysterically.  Hey, I'm 14, it's what I do.  Anyways, her little 10-year-old brother comes in, he starts laughing too, I show him the Lego, he turns out the lights, it glows in the dark.  Anne and her sister were just staring at me like "What the hell?"  Yeah, it was really funny.  Well, moving on… 

It was a few weeks before Sirius kicked the bucket; I hadn't had an opportunity to do it before.  I went to Grimmauld Place and we locked ourselves in this room, I yelled at him for about a half an hour.  All I remember was saying how he ruined my life, how messed up I already was before he came along, how it was partly his fault I became a Death Eater…miraculously I was keeping my composure except for the screaming.  He was just sitting there in this big wooden chair and staring at me.  When I was done I just plopped down on the floor.  He looked down at me and he said, "Severus, it was years ago.  You need to get this out of your head.  We did go a little overboard sometimes, I'm sorry."

            "No, you're not."

            "What does it matter?  Like you said, you were already messed up.  In essence, it wasn't really our fault…"

            "YES IT WAS!!!!!"

            "Calm down, Severus!  Just…just calm your whole life down."

            "You called me Snivellus in front of James' son.  He's not James, you know.  You may think he is, but…"

            "Jeez, I'm sorry!  Just go do some yoga, drink some tea, and get your head out of the clouds.  And Harry's a good boy.  Get off his case."

            "You think he's James.  Now you're on me for sometimes thinking the same thing once in a while."

            "I lost my best friend.  His son needs me as a father figure."

            "FATHER FIGURE???  _I_ NEEDED A FATHER FIGURE!!!"

            "Listen to yourself, Severus.  You still think you're sixteen!  And it's not like I had the best time in-I won't go there.  I could help you out, maybe.  Forget."  I remember just wanting to strangle him.

            "You-I-I-""James felt worse than I did about what happened to you at Hogwarts.  He thought that we made you a Death Eater, but you know what-there's something to be said for personal responsibility.  Don't you have essays to grade, Severus?"

            "You bastard."

            "Oh, you're just pissed because you still don't have any friends.  You know, you could try smiling, maybe take care of your appearance to a certain extent.  I mean, honestly, Snivelly…I'm trying to help here…" That's when I started crying.  I bit my cheeks, trying to stop myself, but nothing happened.  At least it was silent.  Why the hell did I have to go and do that?  "Looks like I hit a sore note, Severus.  It's just a reality check, you know.  Sorry I had to do that.  And I am sorry about back at Hogwarts, even if you don't believe me.  It was pretty funny sometimes though.  I wonder if you wash your pants now?"  I was still sobbing.  "Get _over_ yourself!  Ugh, you're a grown man!  Come on, aren't you going to try to beat me up?  Oh, wait, that wouldn't work too well…go home and cry into your pillow like you did back at Slytherin tower every night.  Lucius Malfoy told me how you kept them all awake and that they threw pillows at you to get you to stop.  But, I hope you'll be able to get on with your life.  Hope I helped."  He left the room, left me in there to use the fireplace and the Floo Network to leave.  I didn't care when he died.  I outlived the both of them; James and Sirius, and I think there was a sort of gory triumph in that for me.  I remembered every word of that conversation at Grimmauld place, maybe now I can forget.  Not your finest moment, Severus.  But when I think back on that, it really does feel like me in that memory as opposed to the way I feel in the Glenn episodes, like I'm actually the one sobbing on the floor while Sirius just sat there and told me all about myself.

Well?  Sorry I made Sirius a jerk…but he kind of is, at times.  In my personal opinion.  Keep reading!  You might like Angels for Everyone, too…damn, I love to plug my own work!  No, honestly, nobody reads it, pretty please?   


	5. Too lazy for a real title

I think I'll tell you about Kodocha…it's a good manga.  I need to dig up the 8th volume, I've only read through 7…it's about these little pre-teens with twisted romantic lives.  Damn, I'm 14 and I've never even had a boyfriend.  It makes you feel very inadequate.  I don't like to think of Snape as ugly.  I just don't like to!  In my mind he definitely doesn't have facial hair.  That goatee he's got in the book illustrations…it's just nasty.  I don't remember if the Ugly Lego had facial hair…but damn was it ever ugly.  Continue.

James' son killed the Dark Lord at the beginning of his Sixth Year.  It's been almost exactly a year now.  There was this huge celebration, my Dark Mark disappeared, everyone expected me to be happy.  But I wasn't.  Pretty soon it'll be the first anniversary.  They're going to have this giant party, they wanted me to give a speech but I said no.  What was I supposed to say?  Harry Potter's just the golden boy now, he can do no wrong.  I'm surprised he even has to take N.E.W.T.s to be and Auror and that they don't just give him top marks and send him on his way.  Hell, just screw Auror training and send him out into the world.  I have to teach him, watch him with his little crowd of admirers, attempt to get him to listen to me.  I don't have any authority over them, any of the students.  They don't listen to me, I can't teach them.  I've been thinking about what I said, about Minerva being pretty.  Sometimes she puts on these gorgeous robes and some makeup and puts her hair down and goes out.  I don't believe she has a boyfriend, though, because I've never seen one.  She always comes over to say hi to me before she leaves.  Sweet of her, but patronizing.  Like she knows that I'm never going to go anywhere.  I don't like bars.  Too many drunks.  I hate the ones that get loud or violent.  My mother never got loud or violent.  She just effectively lost about twenty years in emotional maturity.  When I drink…I had my first sip of beer when I was fourteen.  Lucius Malfoy stole it from the kitchens.  He knew what to say to house-elves.  He's in Azkaban now, and they're thinking of putting his wife there too though she wasn't officially a Death Eater.  They've just got her on house arrest so she can take care of Draco.  Stupid gits.  Poor Draco's been really angry lately.  I'm afraid he might do something rash.  Nothing I can do, though.  But when I drink, I'm sort of happy for a little while.  But not really happy.  Sometimes it makes me forget.  Sometimes it makes it worse.  I like the blackout; it's different than sleep.  I have a potion for the hangovers and the next day it's all okay.  I could stop.  Maybe I should, but then I think that it's one more thing to deal with.  Maybe I can't stop.  No.  Yes.  I don't know.  I need a drink.  The whole goddam WORLD needs a drink.  My mother could and should have stopped.  If she weren't always out barhopping she would have realized that her hubby was banging her baby boy every Friday when she went out.  Every damn Friday she would go, and he would come to me and she never once came home until the next morning.  Of course, she was drunk all the time, not just on Fridays.  Always had that glass of wine in her hand.  Isn't that so romantic?  She always drank wine, presumably except on Drunk-off-your-ass Fridays.  You know, we're supposed to say Voldemort now that he's gone.  An expression of unity or some crap like that.  But I KNEW him; I don't want to, I'm still scared inside.  On the night Harry Potter said that he came back, Dumbledore told me to start preparing myself for getting the call from the Dark Lord to rejoin.  And sometimes I really did feel like going back to the Death Eaters, feeling that acceptance and unity.  But then I didn't.  I didn't want to go to Azkaban for ten minutes.  I had too many horrible memories.  That was really all that kept me, and it's a good thing too since the Dark Lord lost.

You know, this story has the worst freaking title in the universe.  It's in a song!  I didn't just come up with it!  I don't even know what it means, it just sounds good!  And I like the song.  It's by AFI…but I'm not a real fan, I only heard about them when they went major-label.  I have four CD's though.  Well, three since my dad took one of them away because of swearing.


	6. Updating out of sheer boredom

I'm having an internal debate over whether I should put up two chapters tonight.  This one's short…I probably will.  Yeah, I'll be a good little updater.  Speaking of updating….I'm going to boarding school!  From August 31 to September 7 I might not be able to update because I'm driving up there with my dad.  It's sad, I know.  And no, I'm not a bad girl, I'm just very nerdy.  It's the good kind of boarding school!  I'm going to the school Franklin Delano Roosevelt went to…and Sam Waterston from Law and Order went there too!  Yay! 

I had a very interesting conversation with Minerva today.  How else to describe it?  I have such a good memory, don't you think?  I remember everything everyone says to me and I say back, probably since I really don't have many real conversations.  Anyways, Minerva knocked on my door and opened it up.  I was sitting there with a glass of firewhiskey-my first glass of the night so I wasn't really drunk yet.  She had her hair down, makeup on, gorgeous emerald robes.  She's only a few years older than I am.

            "Hello, Severus."

            "Hello, Minerva.  Going out?"

            "Yes, to dinner.  You…you could join me if you'd like…"

            "No thanks, Minerva."

            "Please.  You look sad, here alone every night."

            "Get off it, Minerva.  I make choices."

            "Why do you…drink, Severus?"

            "What the hell?"

            "It's not good, Severus."

            "Oh, this is because of that one night.  I was feeling under the weather, it was a one time thing!"  I was getting defensive.  It wasn't a good position.

            "But you have something now that you're drinking, Severus."

            "To-to help me sleep."

            "Firewhiskey won't help you sleep.  I think that's what it is."

            "Don't you have someone to meet, Minerva?"

            "No, no I don't!  I just like to get out once in a while, just to get out of the castle even if I'm by myself…you should get out, Severus."

            "Minerva!  Since when are you my mother?"  She bit her lip.

            "Severus…I…I care about you!  Is that hard to understand?"

            "Actually, yes!"

            "That's it, Severus.  If you want me to leave, I'll go." "Great!  Leave!"  And she did.  I wonder if I really wanted her to leave or if I just wanted her to stop nagging me.  I suppose I wanted her to leave, because it's what I said, right?  But I don't always say what I mean.  I never think about what I say.  And why the hell do I have a diary?  God, it's disgusting.  I'm disgusting.  Everything I do is disgusting.\

Always ending on a cheery note, eh Sevster?


	7. Draco makes a dropdead cameo

I forgot to thank Catmint!  Thank you Catmint!  Well, Draco Malfoy makes a drop-dead depressing little cameo in this chappie.  Dammit, Draco better kill himself in the last book.  Why?  Eh, cool plot twist.  Either that, or he should come out of the closet as a homosexual.  I actually have evidence that he's gay.  It's mildly compelling…one, who did he take to the Yule Ball?  Pansy Parkinson!  Aaaaaaaaand what does she look like?  A pug!  He's not ugly, he's rich, surely there are other, better Slytherin chicks.  Maybe he doesn't have a real taste in women, or maybe he just doesn't care because he was planning to ask Diggory but chickened out…and then there are the veela at the World Cup.  Ron and Harry were practically passing out from the shock to their newly raging hormones, but is their any mention of Draco's reaction?  NO!  He's in the same box!  And I also think he has a crush on Snape, even though he's probably just a little suck-up.  Sorry, I've had a long and boring summer.  Without that summer boredom, I never woulda written this! 

Draco Malfoy.  That poor bastard.  He came to my office today after class.  Just sat there and stared at this jar I have with a floating cow's eye in it.  He looked like he was trying not to cry for, like, fifteen minutes straight.  He's good at it, too.  Maybe he should give me lessons hahahahahaha.  Lucius Malfoy was good to me back at Hogwarts, and he was good to me for the most part when we were Death Eaters.  Very big-brotherly kind of person.  Narcissa Malfoy's very manipulative, but I believe that was an acquired quality and not one she was born with.  When it really comes down to it I believe that they were pretty good parents to Draco considering the whole Death-Eater thing.  Well, to get back to my original story eventually Draco just said, "Sir, I don't know what to do."

            "I don't know what you should do.  You miss your father?"

            "Yes, but more than that…I've just been planning and training my whole life to be a Death Eater and now I feel like there's nothing for me to do."

            "What are you best at?"

            "Defense Against the Dark Arts, I guess."

            "Be an Auror.  Train."

            "But my father…my mother…"

            "Screw them.  Be an Auror, and be better than Potter."

            "Hmm.  I could think about that."

            "All right.  Good."  I think he might have finally cried then.  Very impressive at stalling the waterworks.

            "Thank you, Professor."

            "I did nothing.  Now go do your homework."

            "Yes, sir."  Then he left my office.  I don't know if he's really bright enough to be an Auror, but it's something to shoot for.  Poor kid.  Everyone's worried about the well-being of Gryffindors like Potter but it's the Slytherins that get left in the dust that need the most help.

            I told my friend Elizabeth the intellectually superior grad student about my little theory about Draco, and she said that she doesn't think that the evil character should be gay because it's a bad stereotype or something.  Hey, he's not evil, he's just acting out because he doesn't want to come to terms with his sexual impulses!  Well, she thinks that Neville should be gay instead.  Whatever. 


	8. I'm finally updating!

Hey y'all!  Quickie update, is that all good?  I'm at boarding school…I don't know how frequent updates will be.  Sorry.

I've been really tired lately, though I can't imagine why.  I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning, but I had classes to teach.  All of those moronic little bastards who don't give a damn about potions, or any classes, or the feelings of others, or anything.  And they all look up to Potter, I mean I can see why but it's just like his father and how they all loved him.  We don't even really know how he killed the Dark Lord.  He could have tripped on his wand and sent something off.  Or he could have choked on a Pumpkin Pastie and in his garbled utterances unearthed an ancient spell.  For some reason they won't release details of the death.  Before the Dark Lord was killed, my Dark Mark hurt all of the time.  It's nice that it doesn't hurt anymore.  I mean, it was making me really freaking suicidal.  Hmm.  Am I suicidal?  Who cares, it's not like I'm going to do anything.  Oh, I've tried before.  I never managed to carry anything out, though.  You know, Muggles have drugs that they use to get all "high" and happy and I've never really understood that.  I mean, can't they tell that it's so far from real life and distinguish that?  See, with alcohol at least it's sorta close to real life, just a little happier.  Ugh.  I hate this journal.  I'm such an educated, intelligent man and my complex mind is reduced to these minor ramblings that sound like a sixteen-year-old wrote them.  I do still think I'm sixteen, don't I.  I've got potions to grade that I've been putting off.

And there you go.


	9. This one's weird in a different way!

Let's have some fun with this chapter…don't expect this to happen very often…this tells the strange tale of Snape's first sexual experience.  Though it's definitely PG-13, don't worry.  I'll thank my reviewers next time, I promise.

Well, they aren't putting Narcissa Malfoy in Azkaban.  That's good, I suppose.  But she is on house arrest, and she's been stripped of all her house-elves.  Our house-elf was named Teabag.  She was always really sweet to me, even though she didn't know what Glenn was doing.  She might have caught on, I'll never know.  I felt really horrible giving her clothes.  She cried and cried, and then I cried…it was horrible, but I had to do it.  I was selling the house.  What else was I supposed to do?  Poor Teabag, I wonder what she's been up to.  Draco's been doing well in his classes, from what I hear.  Even Care of Magical Creatures, to my astonishment.  I was a good student.  Did anyone care?  Did that ever get Severus Snape anywhere?  They say that those who can't, teach, but I can't teach.  So what am I?  And where the hell did I hear that expression anyways?  I remember when I was in Sixth Year.  Narcissa invited me up to the astronomy tower one night.  Back then she wasn't too attractive.  Well, not like she is now I guess.  She had blond wispy hair that she put up in a sort of tousled bun every day.  She was going out with Lucius Malfoy on-again off-again, and she was in the off-again.  Her name was Narcissa Ladrius back then.  When I came up to the tower she was laying on a blanket.  There was a candle lit.

            "Come over here, Severus."

            "O-okay, Narcissa."

            "Sit down, Severus."  I sat down.  "You're such a bad boy, Severus…sneaking up here…" She giggled.  "This is where Lucius and I always come, you know."  She tossed her head back.  Her bun came out.  "I'm probably going to marry him someday.  I can tell these things."

            "Are you a Seer, Narcissa?"  She giggled.

            "You're so adorable, Severus.  You're not too attractive, but…you'll listen to anything I say, won't you?"  She was still smiling.  I didn't do anything.  I was scared as hell.  "Then I'm going to tell you…I'm going to tell you about my family, okay?  The Ladrius family.  We've got some Muggle blood in us, but do you think we'll tell anyone?  Ha!  My mum hates kids, and my dad…most of the time we don't even know where the hell he is.  Isn't it sad?"

            "Umm…yeah, I guess."

            "Have you ever seen a naked woman before?"  I had seen my mum once when I was little, but I assumed that didn't count.

            "No."

            "Do you want to?"  My heart was pounding.

            "Yeah…I guess."  She took off her robes.  I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  "Do you like it, Severus?  Do you want more?"

            "Wuh…why me?"  She stopped smiling.

            "Something to do, I guess.  Someone."  She started smiling again.  "It's a yes or no question, Severus."

            "Uhhh…yeah, that."  She sighed.

"Never mind."  She started to take off my robes.  We made love.  It was petrifying.  I'm surprised I even managed to go through with it.  I guess I wasn't good enough, because she got back with Lucius a few days later and she never really talked to me again.


	10. hey it's of a decent length

Some people to thank! Thank you Angel 2191 for the hugs and for the very insightful comments!  You speak English really well, don't worry!  You commented like a million times!  Thank you Kitala!  Yes, I don't know where that came from!  Thank you AngelDes1313!  Thank you Catmint!  Hey, I never said it was good evidence!  I'm being nice and giving y'all a double chapter.  Why?  Because I'm bored.  Okay.     

It's easiest to write down the words of a conversation as opposed to going then I said this and she said this.  And when you've got a memory like mine you should make use of it.  I've just stayed in bed all day, I suppose I should get up and eat something but I'm not really hungry.  I've just been grading essays and potions and crap and staring at the wall.  I try to sleep but I really can't.  I don't think I've gotten a good night's sleep since I was six.  I feel myself wishing that someone would come and talk to me, but then I realize that nobody's going to come.  They've all given up on me.  Good for them, bastards.  You'd think they'd work a little harder to save my mortal soul and heal my damaged psyche.  Okay, that's it.  I'm officially going insane because I think that there's someone knocking on the door.  If I open it and no one's there I'm just going to break down and cry.

Thank god I'm not schizophrenic.  It was Minerva.  I may not be schizophrenic, but I'm still crazy.

            "Severus?  Have you been in your room all day?  It's 2 P.M."

            "Oh, it is?"

            "Have you eaten?  Aren't you hungry?"

            "I'm not hungry, Minerva."

            "That's strange.  Are you ill?"  I sighed.

            "No, Minerva, I'm not ill."

            "I'm getting you some stew."

            "What the-stew?"

            "Well, it's what they had at lunch today…I can get some more."

            "Don't bother.  Don't you have things to do?"

            "No…I'll be back soon."  She left, I sat back down on the bed, and she came in soon enough with the stew.  She put it in my lap.  I sort of tensed up when she got near.  "Severus, you're sure you aren't sick?"

            "Yes, Minerva!  Very sure!"

            "Then why did you spend the whole day in bed?  You're still in your night robes."

            "Oh, Minerva, grow up."

            "Severus!"

            "You're so childlike, Minerva.  When the students aren't around.  It's truly adorable."

            "Adorable?"

            "Well, aren't you going to force-feed me stew?"

            "I was hoping you'd eat it…" I took a bite.  I don't eat that much.  I'm just never hungry.  I looked up from the stew.  Poor Minerva looked like she was about to cry.

            "What's wrong, Minerva?"  She threw her hands up in the air.

            "I'm worried for you!  I'm scared about you!  I don't want you to die!"

            "Do you want me to die?"

            "No!  I just said I don't want you to die!"

"Minerva, that's really not in your hands."

            "But it's in yours!"  She got a fierce, determined look, though it was still pretty sad in my opinion.  "You're going out to dinner with me tonight, Severus."

            "I have work to do…"

            "You always have work to do.  You're always working.  Come on, I'll pay.  I won't take no for an answer."  I just gave up at that point.

            "Okay.  I'll be ready at six-thirty."  She smiled.

            "Great!  Eat that stew."  She left the room.  Well, I'm going out to dinner tonight.  Can't remember the last time I did something with a woman.  It's not a date, Severus, it's an intervention.  All of the teachers'll be at some restaurant waiting for me to come so that they can get me to be happy or something like that.  What is happy?  Nobody has it so why do people look for it?


	11. Awwwwww how stiltedly cute

This chapter's actually sweet in an awkward kind of way!  Very awkward…but, hey, what did you expect?  I just painted my toenails and I'm listening to my friend's borrowed Linkin Park CD.  Yeah, I know you don't care.

What we did tonight didn't seem like it was me so I'm going to write it third person.  Severus and Minerva were sitting at a table in a small, quiet restaurant.

            "I'm glad you came, Severus."

            "Yeah.  Okay."  Minerva drummed her fingers on the table.

            "Well…anything you want to talk about?"  Severus was on his third glass of wine.  They were eating the main course.  Minerva had the duck, and Severus had the Dover sole.  The waitress came over to the table.  Severus ordered another glass of wine.  The waitress walked away.  "You've had enough, Severus."

            "Get a life, Minerva."

            "Severus…but don't you like being out of the castle?"

            "Hmmmm…no."

            "Don't you like anything?"

            "What?"

            "Doesn't anything make you happy?"

            "I don't know what you're trying to tell me here.  Was that rhetorical?"

            "No, it was not a rhetorical question.  And I wasn't trying to tell you anything."

            "Oh, everyone's always trying to tell you something.  No one ever really wanted to know, they just want a forum for their own ideas."

            "What are you…Severus, this is weird."

            "Well, you invited me.  It was your idea.  You knew what to expect."

            "If I knew what to expect, why did I invite you?"

            "Are you saying I'm a disappointment?  If that's the case, your hopes are waaaaaayyy too high."

            "That's not…it!"

            "Minerva McGonagall."

            "That's my name."

            "What do you want me to say?  I'll say it.  Really, I will."

            "I just want to listen to what you want to say."

            "No small talk?  You're good at it.  Prolonging it."

            "You're the one who's prolonging this.  It."  They stopped talking until the check dame.  Minerva paid, and they started the walk back to the castle.  Halfway up, Severus stopped.  "Severus?  What is it?"  Severus stared at her for a while.  She stared back painfully.  He suddenly lurched out and grabbed her into an embrace.  She rubbed his back when he started to sob.

            "I'm sorry…I don't want you to hate me…"

            "I don't hate you."  Severus pulled away and they walked back up to the castle.


	12. two in one is double the fun!

Whoo hoo!  Double chapter!  YEAH!  I'm psyched!  Maybe it's because I actually like my school.  The classes, the play, the guys…especially one…but nobody cares.  I had a blog for, like, three days, but then my parents found out and made me shut it down.  I hate being 14…blaaaaaarrrgh.

Why did I do that?  I wasn't too drunk.  I just wanted to touch her body, I guess.  Good thing I wrote it down before I forgot it.  Wait, I wouldn't forget it unless I blacked out.  God, that was pathetic.  "I don't want you to hate me…" What the hell was I thinking?  I have Fourth Year potions in about ten minutes.  Moronic Fourth Years.  I wonder what Minerva thinks of me now.  She probably thinks I'm schizophrenic, which I haven't seen any evidence of yet but you never know.  I'm just thinking of the time Potter saw my Pensieve.  Thank god I got to him before he saw anything worse than my being dangled upside-down by Potter and Black.  I should have known that that sneaky bastard would've looked just to spite me.  You'd think that now that he realized what a horrible man his father was he'd stop hating me…but no, I suppose it's too late for that.  Why do I care if the Potter boy hates me?  I suppose it's genetic, a basic hatred of Slytherins is probably imbrued into his psyche.  Wait.  Minerva's coming down the hallway.  Damn Fourth Years can wait.

Minerva and I were at Hogwarts together back then.  She was four years older than me, and a Gryffindor so naturally we didn't socialize.  She wanted to apologize for never stopping Potter and Black.  I told her it wouldn't have made a difference, they never would have stopped.  I remember Harry's mother.  Lily Evans or something.  She was occasionally nice to me, and I was just so rude back all the time.  Maybe I could have had a friend if I hadn't gone and ruined it.  I always ruin things with people, and I'm going to ruin things with Minerva.  What things?  Just because she can stand you doesn't mean she likes you as a person.  Why did she rub my back when I grabbed her like that?  She should have just pulled away; it would have been easier for everyone.  One of the students (presumably) put bubotuber pus in my desk drawer and it was a disaster.  I couldn't write for a while, and I really felt like I wanted to.  I guess journals do become addictive.  Why did I even buy one?  I think the store clerk was laughing at me for buying it.  I think I'm going to cork open a bottle of wine and have some nice drinking tonight.          


	13. The sexual tension is killing me!

Sorry if it's been too long since the last update.  I just got a fictionpress.net account that I've been working on.  Sorry.  Well, at any rate, thank you Trafalger!  And no, my parents have pledged not to shut these stories down.  It was mainly that I didn't ask them about the blog before getting it.  Damn...I'm bored...I want a boyfriend!  I want to marry Davey Havok from AFI.  I want to carry his children.  Okay, that's a stretch.  Well at any rate, R/R my fictionpress stuff too if you're bored!  Well, if you're bored enough to read this, you're bored enough to read the back of a shampoo bottle.

Minerva came in last night.  When I heard her knock on the door I hid the bottle of wine under the bed (if I remember correctly I was drinking right out of it).  I let her in.  She sat in a chair, and I sat on the bed.

            "Hello, Severus."

            "Hi."

            "You're drinking, right?"

            "No."

            "I can smell it."  I had a headache, and I didn't want to play those games.

            "Yeah, yeah, what do you want anyways?"

            "Do you want to talk to me?"

            "What?"

            "You hugged me.  You cried.  Doesn't that mean something?"

"No, I didn't.  You're imagining things."  I think she started to shake from some random emotion.

            "Don't you remember?  Were you too drunk?"

            "Yes, yes, I'm sure that's it, now stop making me your pity project and get the hell out."

            "I don't hate you.  I like you.  You're a good person, I know."

            "Well, what do you like about me?  Come on…name one thing."  She swallowed.

            "You're brave, Severus.  You're one of the bravest people I know, and I don't think you get enough recognition for that.  I know what you did for the Order.  You're just so brave."  That one shocked me.  I usually just push off any sort of compliment because they're never true, but she was just so determined-sounding about it that I didn't immediately dissuade it.  But then I did.

            "I'm not brave.  I just don't care."  She swallowed again.

            "You are brave.  And that's a brave thing to say."

            "No, it's not.  I'm drunk.  Just go off and do…something.  Whatever it is that you people do."

            "You people?"

            "You know…you people who can pretend to be happy a hell of a lot better than I can."  She swallowed again.  "Why are you swallowing?"

            "I…never mind.  Some people actually are happy, Severus.  You can be too."  I really should think before I speak.  I never do.

            "You're lying, Minerva.  You're playing with me.  You'll be my friend for a while, and then you'll hurt me."  She started to sniffle.  A tear glinted in the candlelight from the corner of her eye.  I froze.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, now you hate me, you do, I'm sorry…" She went over and sat next to me on the bed.  She wouldn't touch me.

            "Severus, I don't hate you, I just…sometimes I feel part of what other people are feeling."

            "You don't know."

            "I don't.  I just can't imagine what it's like to feel like you do."

            "Because I'm such a freak?"  Then she hugged me.  She finally hugged me.  I'll never know why.

            "I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say." 

            "Then leave.  Get away from me.  If it makes you happy."

            "What do you want, Severus?  Don't you want to be happy?"

            "Nobody's happy."

            "I am."

            "If you're wasting your time with me, no you're not."

            "This isn't time-wasting…this is very worthwhile."

            "It's the opposite of worthwhile.  Go.  Leave."  I think she got angry then.

            "I'm not leaving, dammit!"  I was shocked.  I suppose.

            "Go!  Go!  I don't want to do this!"  She just stopped talking, I think, and in the morning I woke up and I was tucked into my bed like a little kid and my bottle of wine was gone.


	14. building up to the slash maybe possibly

I'm sorry....it's hard to update when you're living in a dorm...trust me on this.  So, here's a double chapter...if I recall the climax is coming up very, very soon.  I told you to be patient...hey, anyone here watch ER?  I love ER...I love Dr. Romano.  You know, bald, mean, one arm, in love with that British chick who was married to Brain Tumor Boy?  I guess I've got a thing for the mean, depressed type...

I think I used to be a fun drunk.  I am a drunk, I know that much.  What am I going to do about it?  Not a damn thing.  Even though I hate the way it tastes.  Every time it reaches my tongue I was to run to the sink and spit it out.  But I never do.  As usual, my classes today were absolutely horrible…I don't know why I'd even bother teaching here if not for the fact that I could never get another job and I need the money.  That complete idiot Potter through some brilliant stroke of staggering genius actually managed to plaster some pond scum on the walls and didn't even offer to clean it up.  He just stood there staring at me like, "Well, what are you going to do about it?"  I gave him detention and made him clean it up while I watched.  I think he saw me drink some of the bourbon I've been keeping in my desk.  Oh well.  He's actually not as bright as Draco, in my personal opinion.  They did about the same on their O.W.L.s.  Slytherins always have to prove themselves to get any recognition.  And they're ambitious anyway, so it's a vicious cycle.  I was never really ambitious, so I don't know why they put me in Slytherin.  I couldn't make a friend to save my life so I suppose that rules me out from Hufflepuff.  Couldn't make a friend to save my life.  Hmm.  Moving on, I wonder why not Ravenclaw.  I was the smartest Slytherin, but…I wasn't clever.  I've never been clever, per se.  I never really understood what they meant by clever.  I suppose I was just a quick learner with a good memory.  Is that clever?  I guess Slytherin is where the just dump all of the pure-bloods that they can't think of anything else for.  The Sorting Hat just automatically Slytherin.  Maybe my ambition was to Avada Kedavra Glenn.  And I'm forgetting Gryffindor.  I wasn't brave or loyal.  Brave…Minerva said that I was brave.  Sure.  Where the hell is she getting that from?  I only did what I had to do to keep from getting killed…saving my own neck, that's not brave…maybe she means going to Dumbledore after I signed up to be a Death Eater.  But that's the exact opposite.  That was completely motivated by fear.  I really don't know where she's getting that from.  I don't even know why she bothers with me.  I'm really useless when it all comes down to it.  I mean, honestly, I'm of no use to anyone.  I expect that if I died the students would be ecstatic.  The teachers couldn't care less.  Not even Minerva, I'll bet.  Honestly, she is the most puzzling woman.

I was down at the Three Broomsticks last night picking up a case of firewhiskey.  For some reason I always wear this large black cloak that covers most of my face when I go to bars.  Rosmerta knows that it's me when I wear that thing, but other people can't usually tell.  So, anyways, I figure I might as well have a few drinks while I'm there.  I'm having some mulled mead when I hear a voice I know.  It was Minerva.

            "Headmaster…."

            "Yes, Minerva, I know you didn't invite me here mumble mumble."

            "Mumble, I'm worried about Severus."

            "And mumble?"

            "I know he's drinking.  Mumble."

            "Are you sure?"

            "Very sure.  And he's been acting mumble mumble."

            "You think he's depressed?  Severus mumble mumble mumble a little melancholy, but…"

            "He thinks mumble mumble hates him.  And he's just not happy.  What can we do?"

            "Well, I'll talk to him if you'd mumble."

            "Mumble, thank you.  But I don't mumble what that could do."

"It can't hurt.  Do you really think so?"  I couldn't handle it any more.  I wasn't drunk yet.  I just went over to their table and pulled my hood off.  I was extremely angry.

            "Lovely conversation you've been having, Minerva and Albus.  Intriguing."  Minerva had one hand over her mouth.  Dumbledore was obviously trying to remain calm and doing a damn good job.  Minerva stood up.

            "Oh, Severus, Severus, did you…?"  She put some money on the table and ran out in a not-so-graceful manner.  Dumbledore gestured to the empty chair.  I was just staring at the door, gawking after her.  I still sat down.

            "Severus, I know you used to have a drinking problem.  I thought that was over with.  You told me.  I believed you to be a man who kept his word."  I was planning to smirk, but I was so nonplussed by Minerva's disappearance that I could only stare blankly.  Why did I have to drive here away like that?  "Are you really depressed?"

            "Depressed, what do you mean…"

            "From what I've heard, you know it when you have it.  You just feel…do you hate yourself?  If you do, you really have no reason to."  Of course I have reason to, idiot.  He started speaking in somewhat softer tones.  "Answer me, Severus!  Do you enjoy life?  Do you like yourself?  Are you not drinking?"

            "I…I'm not an alcoholic…"

            "I wish I could believe that, Severus.  You know how to make a Divertium Potion…why haven't you?"

            "I can stop without one."

            "Then why don't you?"  I started looking around.  I think people were staring at us.

            "I will.  I just don't need to deal with that right now."  Dumbledore sighed and shook his head.

            "I will force you to drink a Divertium Potion every day if I have to."

            "You just believe Minerva?  You just take her word?"

            "I know you're capable of it.  I should have been more worried when you had to go to the hospital wing that one time.  You were going through a lot then, so I…" I was starting to get angry.

            "I'm always going through a lot.  You don't understand my past."

            "I'm well aware of that.  The sacrifices you made in the fight against Lord Voldemort…"

            "Not just that, you fool!"  He leaned back in his chair.  I wish he had reacted more.  It would have been helpful.  "There's…James and Sirius!  Tell me what you did about that!"

            "Severus…I never really comprehended the full extent of what they were doing to you.  Obviously, I thought it was much more minor than it actually was."  I laughed.

            "Oh.  Well, you knew about the Whomping Willow.  They should have been expelled!  At least Black!"

            "Some of the teachers were pressing for expulsion, but I…"

            "You gave him a break because he was a Gryffindor.  Or maybe you thought I deserved it?"

"Severus, now you're talking nonsense."

            "You've always favored those damn Gryffindors.  The Slytherins are the ones who need help.  Especially now!  These children…their parents are being shipped off to Azkaban, and they have nowhere to turn!  Poor Draco Malfoy came to me a while ago, almost in tears, because he didn't know what to do besides be a Death Eater.  What are you doing about that, Headmaster?"  I finally got a reaction from Dumbledore.  He seemed frustrated at himself.  It was a little embarrassing to see that emotion from him.

            "Part of what you say is all too true, Severus.  Maybe I have neglected the Slytherins.  Maybe you're right."  I just wanted to get back to the castle.

            "Headmaster, I need to get back."

            "Oh.  Right.  Of course.  We'll talk some more later."  I got up and left the Three Broomsticks, completely neglecting my firewhiskey.  I have some vodka…maybe I'll use that.  If I can find it.


	15. duh duh duh DUH its all coming out now!

Things happen very quickly in this chapter....don't blink=)  No, honestly, everything just gets laid out in the open here.  Maybe it a little too fast....meh.  Deal with it, you're all adults.  Well, probably teenagers at least.  I've just noticed that the words "no" and "dammit" come up a lot.  I'm just too lazy to edit this mofo, super sorry.  But...if you've been waiting for the romantic stuff I guess you'll be happy.  Oh, by the way, this is as far as I've written of this sooo....now I have to write more!  Anything you might wanna see?  Let me know...though a review!  I love reviews!  Oh, and for the last fricking time read my fictionpress stuff too.  Actually it might not be the last time because I'm a shameless review whore and I love to plug my own stuff.  Oh and thank you lavondyss21.  Everybody has such cool names and I don't!!!!!  Oh and thank you Trafalger...I think...no memory...

Last night, after all of that with Dumbledore, I was on my bed in a reclining position.  I had slid down from being back to the headboard and hadn't seen the point in pushing myself back up.  Minerva just barged in, looking like she was about to be run over by a dragon.  She sat down in front of me.

            "God, Severus, why do you do this?  I can't watch this!"

            "Then don't look."

            "Dammit, if you keep this up it's going to kill you!"  She grabbed the bottle from my hand-I had a loose grip-and threw it over her shoulder.  Naturally, it didn't break, but the vodka spilled on the floor.  She pulled me up by the shoulders and shook me once.  I don't think she meant to do it, since she immediately let me go with a look of horror.  My head hit the headboard.  It didn't hurt that much, but I still started to cry.

            "Dammit, Minerva!"

            "Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…"

            "I can't take it, Minerva!  I can't take it!"

            "Whu-what?  The drinking?"

            "No, you idiot woman!  Life!  Living!  This useless planet!"  She reached out to hug me, but I think she decided against it.

            "Don't…do you want to…."

            "Not as often as most of the people I know would like!  Think about it!  Wouldn't your life be easier not having to baby-sit me?"  Then she hugged me.

            "No, no, I love you!"  I tried to laugh, but choked instead.

            "Oh, shut the hell up!  What about me could possibly make that even conceivable?"

            "Dammit, Severus, I-you're brave, you're witty, you're so smart, you're a survivor-"

            "Of….of what?"

            "I can just see it!  When you first came to teach here I knew what school was like for you, knew what you'd done in the First War, and-I don't know, dammit!  I don't know what it is!  You're-I love you!  I just love you!"

            "No.  You're lying.  Nobody's ever loved me. I am physically unlovable.  I don't believe you."  She started to cry, no, sob, worse than I've ever seen any woman cry.

            "No, no, no, no!  I love you!  I don't understand it!  But I want to care for you, want to make you feel better, I want to love you!"

            "No!  No!  No you don't, because I love you and things don't work that way for me!"  I love Minerva.  It was killing me, ripping me up, and I never even said it in here.  Or that I wanted to kill myself.  Probably because it wasn't a constant thought, just a fleeting daydream once or twice a day.  Thinking about the release, the loss of pain…well, anyways.  Minerva wanted to smile, I could tell, but she didn't.

            "Severus, if you love me and I love you…well…then…everything's good with that part of it!  Now…don't drink, do it for me!  Please!  Please, Severus."  She put her right hand on my cheek.  She was going to kiss me, I could feel it.

            "No!  Wait…I…oh, god!"

            "What?  What?"

            "Just…go ahead and do it, come on, I'll like it."

            "But you don't like this?"

            "I…I should.  So I will."

            "Why don't you like it, Severus?"

            "Dammit, I…screw it!  You don't need to know, I love you, so just go ahead!"

            "Oh, god, Severus, did they do something to you?  Who did something to you, Severus?"

            "Nothing.  Nobody.  This is just too fast, way too fast.  Leave, please, Minerva, please."

            "Oh…um…I'll go get you a Divertium Potion, if that's what you want."

            "Sure.  Fine.  Whatever.  Works for me.  Just...go now."  And she left, and she came back, and that's all I want to say about that right now.


	16. Chock full of revelationy goodness!

Well, here are two short introspective rambling thingys and a big, long, "tonight on NBC a very special episode of Friends" style thingy.  Or ER.  ER's better.  I feel bad for not updating so this is very long.    Verrrrrrrry long.  At least for me.  I'm sorry, I have a very busy life.  So much crap, so little time.  Well, have a nice day and I haven't gotten any reviews in a while so it would really make me happy to get a review.  Thank you!

I can't write very long-I've got ten Gryffindors, three Hufflepuffs and a Ravenclaw coming to detention in about five minutes.  Yes for obvious reasons I'm in a horrible mood.  First of all I'm a goddamn alcoholic and Divertium Potions are only helping slightly.  And second of all, now that I've finally got someone who supposedly loves me I discover just how scarred for life I truly am by Glenn.  There's something seriously wrong with my screwed up brain.  God she must be pissed at me.  And all those things I said about suicide...I was just incredibly drunk.  That's one of those things I'd only consider if I was smashed out of my mind.  I was just being very, very melodramatic.  That's all there is to it.  And I was still drunk when I wrote that entry, too, that why it's only semi-coherent.   Honestly.  But I wonder if maybe...no.  I've already been through the whole half-assed suicide attempt thing, badly made potions and poorly said spells.  Eventually I just figured that I'd die soon enough and left it at that.  Dammit, I almost killed Potter today.  Yes, he'll be joining me in detention today.  He had made this so-called "hilarious" drawing of Draco, presumably in order to get some action from Granger, if they're not going out they may as well be.  Bastards.  I'm sorry, I'm just really, really pissed.

            You know what?  I just learned something.  Well, more like six hours ago.  Forget it, I don't care when I figured it out but I figured it out.  I have no mirrors.  I was looking for one, thinking of maybe-I don't know, making myself somewhat presentable for some goddamn reason, maybe for Minerva, who really knows.  And I had none.  Well, whatever, no difference.  I'm so pathetic, a disgusting old man with no willpower who's afraid of the opposite sex.  God, I wish I was drunk right now.  At least I think I do.  Minerva's not even trying to touch me, I don't know what the hell's going on in her head.  Well, I don't really want to talk to her so I suppose that it's for the best.  Oh my god, it's one in the morning and I think I'm going insane.  I'm doing the outside-my-body thing, where I'm watching myself writing this.  Isn't that disturbing?  I need to sleep, but I don't think I'll be able to.  I don't want to be on too many potions at once and get sick or anything.  I think I hate myself or something.  Well, duh.  I've been hyper-aware of everything all day long, everything about myself.  Which I am slowly learning is like a private hell.  Screw it, I'll drink ten cauldrons of Dreamless Sleep if that's what it takes.

Minerva came in at about two-thirty.  I'd probably taken much more than the recommended dosage of Dreamless Sleep and my eyes were still stuck open.  She came in and sat down the bed next to me and I was sitting up and I must have flinched because she got up.

            "Can I touch you?"

            "I don't know..."

            "Can I touch your hair?"

            "I don't want you to."

            "Why not?"

            "It's disgusting."  She sighed, and rolled her eyes, and probably thought that I was just trying to get attention or something.

            "It is not.  I hope you know that."  I didn't say anything.  "If not, then you'll have to take my word for it.  Well, then, what do you want me to do?"

            "I want you to...sit on the opposite end of the bed and just look."

            "Look at you?"

            "I guess."

            "Ummmmm.....okkkaaayyyy...."  She obliged.  I felt like such an asshole.

            "I'm...I'm not trying to be an asshole....or anything....."

            "No, no, you're not, you're just going through a lot right now and we need to work this out together...."  She was more mumbling to herself than talking to me.

            "Minerva, god, I'm sorry....why aren't you asleep?"

            "Oh, yeah, I was sleeping....but then I woke up....and I wanted to check on you!"  She smiled, and I could tell that she'd been getting about as much sleep as I've been getting.  She stopped smiling.  "When I graduated from Hogwarts...I started dating the most beautiful Muggle boy...he was so tall, and he always laughed...but then he decided, or his parents decided probably, that he didn't want a witch girlfriend and he moved to New York or San Francisco or something, I forget, he never kept in touch...and I wanted to marry him....and I hadn't loved anyone for so long after him....then you...."

            "Am as good as him?"  I'm still not sure why I asked that.

            "Yes.  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.  Besides, I don't love him anymore."

            "Do you love me?"

            "Yes!  It's just....I don't know what to do about it!  Listen, it's....remember when you hugged me?  Can't you do that again?  You won't even let me touch you!  Is it because I pushed you?"  She got this eureka-moment look on her face.  "Did somebody push you around?  When you were a little kid, I mean?"  I was so tired, I couldn't stop the words coming out of my mouth.  They just flowed, like saliva or something.  Well, that's a disgusting metaphor.

            "Yes, but that's not it.  Not most of it."  She leaned forward.  I felt sort of like a kid whose parents just found him looking at pictures of naked women.  Not sure where that one came from, either.

            "Then what is it?"  I started to cry then.  God, I was tired.  Not drunk, mind you, just so, so dead tired.  I haven't slept more than a total of an hour a night for the last two nights.  "Severus, remember that I love you!  Just remember that!"

            "He said that.  That's what he said, and he didn't.  I know he didn't, I know that now."

            "Who's he?"

            "Guh...."  I didn't want to say it.  I can barely write it.  "Glenn!  He raped me!  He raped me for years!  Years and years!  Seven to thirteen!  Once a week!  He only missed it four times!  I COUNTED!!!!!!"  I was still sitting down.  I didn't have the energy to get up because I was using it all screaming and crying and the like.  Then I just sort of dissolved into sobs.  After about two minutes of crying I could feel a hand on my back.  And that was exactly what I wanted.  And it was all that I wanted, and for the next half hour it was all I felt.  Then I started to calm down a little, and I looked up, and she was crying too, very sincerely.

            "You should sleep."

            "I should.  I should sleep."

            "Just lie down, and I'll lie down next to you.  I won't touch you if you don't...."

            "That would be nice."  And I fell asleep, and I slept for about....oh, fourteen hours, somehow.


	17. Ahhh young Harry fame has not treated yo...

Well, there are two very different chapters here.  In one, Snape's....well, I don't wanna say hyper, but it's pretty close.  And in the other one, there's Harry.  And he's pissed at some unspecified event, and he takes it out on....just read, it's all pretty short.  Happy Belated Halloween!!!!!!  "Candy apples and razor blades, little dead are soon in graves, I remember Halloween..."  The Freshman girls had a party with FOOD and we watched Bridget Jones' Diary and it rocked.  I wish Colin Firth was my socially awkward boyfriend with a violent streak...sigh...oh, and thank you linZE!!!!!  You're incredibly welcome!  On and Harry is kind of a pompous ass in this one scene, but he did save the world so it's probably kind of inevitable if you think about it.

I'm in shock.  I'm just in shock.  That I TOLD someone.  Why?  I don't feel better.  Well, maybe a little.  But was it really worth it?  Yes, because I slept.  But I would have slept anyway.  No, I wouldn't have.  God, I hate arguing with myself.  I always lose.  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  What am I saying?  I'm going insane.  I have too much time to think, waaaaaayyy too much time.  I need a hobby.  Like crocheting.  Oh god, crocheting.  Can you see me crocheting?  Of course you can't, you're a journal.  God!  Someone please shut me up!  I'm pissing myself off!  Hmmm....am I in a good mood?  Hell no.  I'm just....I don't know.  I think I slept too much and that's probably it.  Damn, I literally don't think I've ever slept that much in my life.  I have to stop thinking.  Or not thinking, as the case may be.  I've been grading crappy potions all day.  I've got huge amounts of sick days stored up, just like all of the Hogwarts teachers do.  Dumbledore gives it out like it's candy.  Cheap candy.  And we never take it.  Even though I hate teaching.  I suppose it's just something to occupy my time.  And it's occasionally amusing to give out detention to Potter and his little stalkers.  At any rate, I've been taking a few days off, some of the other teachers have been picking up my slack.  Thank god, I don't want to see their nasty little faces at least until tomorrow.

            Well, I guess I should have learned by now that this is just the way that my life works.  Just when I think I might be doing better, just a little better, something shitty happens and I'm down again.  Yes, it's Potter.  He always had a big head in my opinion, but...well, now he thinks he's God.  Some would say rightly, but I don't.  At any rate, I'm having a one-one-one session with him to work on this potion that he can just not put together for some godforsaken reason.  So, he's obviously not thinking and carelessly dumps in an ingredient that makes NO sense at this point in the potion.  I mean, this is Second Year logic here.  It starts giving off this sickly odor and SOMEHOW he manages not to notice.  So, naturally, I let him know.

            "Potter, you should be able to tell that your potion should not smell like this.  Where has your brain gone, Potter?  Has it moved to Mexico?  South America, perhaps?"  He gives me this highly superior look.

            "I have a lot of important things on my mind right now."

            "Well, at this moment, nothing is more important than your potion.  At the time you are making a potion, nothing in the world is more important than your potion."

            "Well, potions didn't help me defeat Voldemort.  So I would have to disagree."

            "You aren't even listening to me.  Do you want detention?  Again?"

            "Listen, detention is nothing to me.  Give me detention.  I'll deal with it.  But honestly, what's giving me problems is the way you treat me like I'm inferior."

            "I do not treat you like you are inferior.  I treat you like you are my student, which you are."  Apparently, he was in a horrible mood that day.  He's not always like this.  Maybe Granger dumped him.  His voice started getting louder.

            "Why should I believe you?  You hate me, you'll always hate me, and there's probably nothing I can do about it!  But you could at least suck it up and fake it!"

            "You are out of line, Potter.  I don't care what you've done, you're still-"

            "I've saved your ass!  That's what I've done!  I've saved the whole world's ass!  And you just can't deal with that!  I've got an Order of Merlin, First Class, and a whole bunch of other crap that I couldn't even remember if I tried!  And what are you?  Nothing!"  I didn't quite know what to say.  I figured that I'd just let him finish his little tirade.  I figured that it would pass, that he'd shut up soon enough.  "You know what, Snape?  I've been at this school for seven years, and you know what I've figured out?"  He was shouting now.  "That you're pathetic!  You're just this broken, bitter man who got teased a little when he was a kid and just never quite got over it for some goddamn reason!  So you became a Death Eater, weren't a very good one, became a double agent, a pretty crappy one, then went to teach snot-nosed brats at the place you despise because you couldn't get any other goddamn job!  And then you just built up all this petty anger until Harry Potter came along, and he was everything you hated, and you just shoved it all on me!  And then I save the world and you've just got even more reason to hate me.  Disgusting.  And how old are you-forty?  Forty-five, maybe?  And you've never accomplished anything!  You've never gotten married, never had any snot-nosed brats of your own.  Most of the teenagers I know have had more fulfilling lives than you've had.  My god.  Screw your potions, I'm leaving."  He started to leave.  I let him.  Then I went back to my apartment, and stared at the ceiling, and didn't drink yet but I don't know how much longer I can do this.


	18. Depression is a sickness kids

I've been having some posting issues lately...I don't know if it's my crappy computer or what but it's been really strange.  My chapters keep disappearing after Chapter 15.  Well, just not showing up.  And only for this story.  Anyone know what the hell's going on?  Let me know!  Of course, if you're seeing this...screw that.  Well, it's time for the whole "depression's a disease" thingy that you could see coming from 20 miles away...see, that's the problem with things I write for my own amusement, not too many plot twists.  Well, there's a plot twist coming up, it's a bit strange but trust me on this.  Go Snape!

Minerva, just when I need her.  She came in and could just smell that something was up.

            "Severus."

            "I haven't been drinking, Minerva, honestly I haven't..."

            "I believe you.  I do.  What's wrong."  It wasn't a question, trust me.

            "Nothing."

            "Please don't waste your energy lying to me."

            "Okay, okay, I'll tell you."  And I did.

            "You should go to Dumbledore.  He shouldn't just be able to do that."  I laughed.

            "Well, what's going to happen to him?  Is he going to get expelled?"  Minerva sighed.

            "I see what you're saying, but he can still be punished."

            "Just drop it, Minerva."  By then, she was sitting on the bed next to me.  She was getting this passionate-cause look in her eyes that was pretty attractive but not what I really wanted at that moment in time.

            "I won't just drop it!  Have you given up?  Just-just given up?"

            "You could put it that way if you really want to, but it's not really necessary."  She put her head in her hands.

            "Oh my god, Severus.  Have you-have you always been like this?  Always?  Like, your entire life?  Just never enjoying anything?  Just never actively trying to improve your life?  I'm not being mean, I'm just saying, I'd really like to know.  If that's the way it's been for a long time it not your fault, and it's not your fault even if it hasn't been a long time."  I thought a little about that.  I wanted to give her a good answer, a really truthful one.  Mainly because I wanted to see what she'd do next.

            "Well, essentially yes, but my life has always been shitty.  I mean, when I was a real little kid I had hobbies and things, I liked Quidditch and comic books...but then...I suppose that when I was in school even though my life was a hell I liked to study, and I did enjoy potionmaking...oh, I don't know, I used to like drinking though I suppose that doesn't count, does it.  Being a Death Eater was nice at first, but then...well, obviously, the First War was not a great time for me.  Then afterwards, the years just became sort of a blur, the alcohol helped block things out and I didn't really have to deal with myself or much of anything else...but then Potter came and screwed up my system and my fragile little construct just collapsed and I could barely live from day to day.  I just started drinking-well, you know about that, and I was so incredibly just in this hole, this pit, this spiral, I know it sound cliché but it's true.  It's really hard to describe.  And now...I'm just very aware and I don't like it all that much and I'm dealing with a lot of new things and new concepts and I don't know what's going to happen to me next or even if I can live through this."  I could tell that I had scared the hell out of Minerva.

            "Live through?"

            "Well, uh...I'm worried.  I'm just worried.  That something'll happen or I'll do something really stupid.  I mean, I won't..."

            "But then why are you worried?"

            "Goddammit, Minerva, I-well...wouldn't you be if your life was like mine?"  She thought a moment.

            "I see where you're coming from.  Severus, I want you to please consider doing something for me."

            "Oh, what?  This I've gotta hear."

            "I want to know if you'd consider going to St. Mungo's with me.  Just...talking to some professionals, seeing what they can do for you...I think you're sick, Severus, and it's really not your fault."

            "Oh, no no no.  There's nothing wrong with my brain.  I am not sick, I'm just pathetic.  I just enjoy wallowing in self-pity.  And I'm not telling anyone I don't know a damn thing."

            "Depression's an illness, Severus."

            "Yeah, one that I don't have."

            "Well, don't take my word for it.  Talk to someone who knows more about this than I do.  Just-please.  Just go, and listen, and I'll be right there, and you can say as much or as little as you feel like.  Please.  And they can help with the drinking, too.  Please, sweetie, please."

            "All right."  Not sure why I said yes.  Probably was the sweetie.

            Well, so, tomorrow I'm supposedly seeing a shrink.  And in about two hours I'm meeting with Albus.  It was actually his idea, but it'll give me a good opportunity to whine about Potter.  That boy is completely incorrigible.  And for the rest of his life, he won't have to lift a finger.  He'll get everything on a goddamn silver platter.  Bastard.  Just like his stupid dead father and his stupid father's stupid dead friend.  I wonder who ended up better off, me or them.  Probably them, because at least they were happy before they died.  I don't really know why I'm so adamant about thinking that I'm not "sick."  I suppose it's just...I know I'm not.  It's probably an alcoholic mentality thing.  And why did I stop drinking, anyway?  Well, for Minerva.  And then there's the health thing, I guess.  But I don't really care about my health.  And somehow I doubt that I'll start caring anytime soon.  And then there's the slow destruction of brain cells...but I'm old, past my prime anyway.  I really don't know in the long run.  There's always the possibility that at some point in the future I'll be all happy that I stopped.  Huh.  Maybe.  For now, it's just so much work and I have so little self-control.  It takes so much of my energy.  But I won't give up, or Minerva will dump me and she'll hate me and she'll cry.


	19. Go finally updating! GO OMOLOLA!

Wow!  I'm back!  Scary, huh?  Yeah, pretty damn.  But, hey, why not?  Sorry about the whole not updating thing.  In all honesty, I just didn't feel like it.  But now...whoa, I swear I posted this chapter.  Scaaaaaaaary.  Well, comment, please, I'm starved for attention.  Oh, and please read my FictionPress stuff...show some heart, for the love of god...I'm kidding.  But it would be nice.

Dumbledore sat me down in his huge-ass office.  Honestly, I get shoved in the dungeon and Albus has an entire wing.  Well, yes, I know, he is the Headmaster, but still...oh, I'm just whining.

            "Hello, Severus.  How are you doing?"

            "Better."  That's not a lie.  It's somewhat true.

            "Excellent.  So you've stopped drinking?"

            "Yes.  How do you know?"

            "Minerva told me."  I wasn't really angry.  She's a very intelligent woman, she knows what to say and what not to say. "And another thing, Severus.  This is a highly personal question, but..."

            "Yes, we're dating.  So?  Do you really need to know?"

            "Well, dating between teachers is generally discouraged at Hogwarts.  And also...well, you're going through a major life change right now, and I don't know if you really should be dating anyone."  Then I got angry.

            "Listen, Albus, you don't understand, that woman is the only-she's the only thing that keeps me going.  It's only for her that I'm doing this.  And another thing.  You know Potter?  He insulted me the other day.  It was horrible.  I'm almost started drinking again.  You need to get that boy under control, do you understand me?"

            "What did he say to you?  And what caused it?"  I hate repeating insults.  It always gets me all choked up, even if I didn't cry the first time around.  Naturally, I didn't want Dumbledore to think that I'm the emotional basket case that I am, so I tried to keep it together.

            "I simply noted that he was not paying attention to his potion, and he started arguing with me, and he told me..."  I took a deep breath.  "That my life had amounted to nothing, in essence.  That I was pathetic because I'd never gotten over what happened in my school days and that I took out all of my petty anger on him and..."  I stopped because my voice was starting to crack.  Dumbledore leaned back in his massive chair.

            "That is unforgivable."

            "He should be expelled.  If Draco Malfoy had said that, he would be expelled.  If I had said that back when I was a student to any of my teachers I would have been kicked out faster than-than anything."

            "I'll remove him from the Quidditch team.  And dock 200 points from Gryffindor.  I don't care if he's the captain, I don't care if he saved the wizarding world, I can't expel him for obvious reasons but that is the worst that possibly be done to him.  Shall I call him in right now?"  I was still a little shaky.

            "In a bit..."  I took a few breaths.  "Call him in now.  Do you want me to go get him?"

            "No, I'll do it.  Wait here, I'll be back very soon.  Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Severus."  He left, and about five minutes later he came back with a visibly frightened Harry.  He freaked when he saw me.  I could feel an involuntary smirk curling up my face, but I quickly smothered it.

            "Sir, why is...what's Professor Snape doing here?"

            "Sit down, Harry."  He sat down in a chair next to me.  He was staring at me.  I kept his gaze.  "Harry, it has come to my attention that you made an incredibly rude remark to Professor Snape the other day.  Do you remember?"

            "No...no...I...he's lying...I don't remember anything..."  He was lying through his teeth, and it was painfully obvious.

            "Well, I will take his word over yours.  You are hereby cut from the Quidditch team.  For the rest of your time at this school."  He started flapping his mouth silently, like a fish.  Then he stood up.

            "You can't do this to me!  Why would you take his word over mine?  He's a Death Eater, a failure, an alcoholic-" I stood up.

            "Where did you get that idea?  Where?  Why would you say that?  What have you heard?"  He flattened against the wall.  

            "Professor, I...I don't know..."

            "Oh yes you do!  What?"

            "Um...er...I saw you drinking from something once...a few times...and you smelled like it once...and I really don't know, it's just a rumor, really..."  I sat down.  I was speechless.  Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak.  He was eerily calm.

            "Harry, I know that you wish to begin training to be an Auror.  I will be informing the committee for deciding who begins this training of your little outbursts-all of them.  I don't know how this will influence them, but..."

            "But I was just making it up, I swear, I'm sorry, I really am..."

            "Get out of here, Harry."  Harry stormed out.  Dumbledore looked at me like I'm-so-sorry-but-you-got-yourself-into-this and it pissed me off so I left.  And now I'm in my room and I don't know whether to be pleased or sad but when it really comes down to it sad's easier so it looks like I'll go with that.  Ho hum.  And I'm seeing a shrink tomorrow.  Honestly, I don't know what's going to happen.


	20. This is what happens when I drink mochas

Time for some reviewer thank-yous!!!  Thank you Khalaris—yeah, I know it's wrong, but I like my version better, dammit!  Come on, do you really want some creepy mommy-issues Demi Moore thing going on?  No!  Well, I sure as hell don't.  That's creeeeeeeepy.  Thank you mg08—hope you didn't hurt yourself!  If my readers keep falling out of chairs I might get sued.  And share a cell with Martha Stewart.  She can teach me how to crochet!  Thank you Sally—people from other countries are so damn nice!  Okay, let me tell you the story about these two chapters...it was 12:30 AM.  I was totally hopped up on caffeine.  Needless to say, that's a potent combination.  These next two went in a really weird direction...but it's a good one.  Oh, and sorry about the swearing...there's really no other way I could have done that, you'll see what I mean.  It's not that bad.  And it probably won't happen again like this.  They may both be weird chapters, but they're very well written in my own personal opinion which means nothing.  I'll shut up now...read on, brave fanfic lovers, read on.

Well, that was such a miserable and completely idiotic experience that I really don't want to go through it.  I suppose I'm just being an oppositional drunk.  Oh well.  I don't think I'll be going back, honestly.  It was pointless...oh, and Minerva's about ready to spit fire from her nostrils like a Welsh Green.  Even though she won't admit it...I can tell when people are angry, you'd think I would've learned it by now.  She's trying her damnest to hide it and be all supportive.  I don't know why I don't want to write about the shrink, maybe because the moron I was talking to knew NOTHING I swear to God.  I don't want to go through it...no.  How do people like that get jobs?  If I was that stupid, I would have killed myself a long time ago.  What was worse than his being stupid, though...he just didn't care.  I mean, I'm a sexually abused clinically depressed late-stage alcoholic here!  If there's anything you should care about, especially when you're a PSYCHIATRIST...ugh.  Why doesn't anything work out right?  Even when things work out, they don't...work out right.  I get a job after being a Death Eater—it's at this hellhole.  I get Minerva—I keep messing up.  I finally get some revenge on Potter—turns out that my rampant drunkardness is a topic of conversation among the little bastards.  Is drunkardness a word?  Could be.  It's not the kind of thing you learn in elementary grammar.  Well, you know what, this is MY stupid journal and in the stupid little world of MY stupid journal it is a word.  You know, I'm angry right now, furious to be exact, and my spelling's still impeccable and I'm using words like impeccable.  God!  Have I pushed back my emotions so far inside that I can't get them out even when I try?  I don't know.  I don't know anything.  Shit shit shit shit shit shit my head hurts.....I feel like stabbing this quill into my arm.  I don't think I'd scream...it's not like I have the arm strength to puncture any major arteries and oh my god I'm contemplating self-mutilation and I can't write coherantly and I spelled that wrong and I'm hyperventilating oh god.  Someone needs to help me but I don't think I can get any more help because Ive gone through all the motions.  Minervas spent and Im spent and I CANT WRITE I forgot the english language.  Shit shit shit.  Shit shit shit shit................

            I believe that's known as a nervous breakdown.  Go figure.  I get one _after_ seeing a shrink.  Right now, I'm at St. Mungo's.  To make a long story short, I actually did try to stab myself with the quill.  So melodramatic.  And I bled, melodramatically, and I kind of couldn't get it together and I kind of passed out.  They put a couple spells on me when I got here—I'm really calm but my head feels strange.  Minerva went to go teach a few classes because otherwise she wouldn't be able to keep it together.  I told her that was okay.  She's been crying...but I'm _okay_ now...and actually I'm a little hungry.  My arm doesn't hurt, but it didn't really hurt then either.  It did and it didn't.  Heh, I'm so out of it right now, I don't know what I'm talking about.  They brought a shrink in who seemed all right...I think he read my journal, which is rather annoying...it probably scared the crap out him, poor bastard.  At least he gave it back.  I can't leave the room...I'm on suicide watch, you see, and they don't want me sneaking out and trying to jump out any windows or anything.  There's one in my room, but it doesn't open and it doesn't show anything interesting.  Nurses come in sometimes, but otherwise there's really nothing to do.  I just think and write.  I think about this tree in my backyard from when I was a kid...I'd always try to climb it, but I was a wimpy kid and it was very tall and I never got very far.  But once, just once I got it, and I sat up in the branches for what seemed like hours.  I felt like I could have stayed there forever.  But my mother came out and she freaked out and started crying.  She was drunk.  Glenn came out and held her tight and asked me to come down so nicely, so damn nicely it hurt.  My mother was still crying, and I couldn't watch him comfort her like that for any longer so I started to crawl down and I accidentally-on-purpose fell and hurt my ankle and my mom started freaking out even more and her and Glenn came over and started carrying me inside and he didn't try to do anything that night and it was one of the best days I'd ever had.  Glenn sent someone to chop down the tree the very next day and that was the end of that but for one triumphant moment I'd made it and managed to climb that tree and I'd actually kept Glenn from coming to me that night.  There's a tree outside my window, but it's tiny and ugly and the window doesn't open.  Minerva should be back soon...she said she'd bring me stew.  Stew's very good for you.  All of the vitamins and nutrients make you healthy again, and I certainly want to be healthy again because right now I'm pretty damn sure that I'm not healthy.  Well, isn't that obvious...you are at a hospital, Severus.  You know, when I first woke up, I asked for a beer and all the nurses gave me odd looks and I remembered that I'm not drinking anymore.  I had completely forgotten about that...I may have shoved a sharp quill in my arm, but at least I didn't drink.  The one thing that really irks me is that I keep saying that I wasn't trying to kill myself and they don't believe me.  Even Minerva doesn't.  If I had really been trying to kill myself, I would have stabbed myself in the heart and not the damn thigh.  I wasn't trying to kill myself...I just freaked out and didn't really know what I was doing.  I'm shivering...but I'm not cold.  That's strange.  Maybe I should call one of the nurses.  It's their damn job to make sure I'm all good, right?  Exactly.  I'm going to put this journal down...now.


	21. I love rambling in case you have not rea...

Okay, first thing I gotta say here…I read a really awesome story called Dungeons of the Mind from Chess that gave me a really obnoxious plotbunny (I love that word, dammit) that I couldn't shake so since I'm writing this mainly for my own amusement (it'd be better if I wasn't) I put it in and changed it somewhat but I feel really bad and I really like that story and this is the coolest sentence I've ever written EVER and here's the link:    Word.  This next entry is rambling and probably should have been spilt up into two entries but, hey, you know what?  I don't care enough.  Oh, and yeah, there was an itty-bitty mistake in the last chapter that I didn't mean to make but actually worked out okay.  I fixed it in this chapter…did you catch it?  If you did, you need a hobby.  Like stamp collecting.  Or butterfly collecting.  Or _Playboy_ collecting.  Different strokes for different folks, man.

Well, hm, let's see...I'm actually lucid for once...yes, they haven't been trying to spell me up because I read my last entry and I didn't want to think like that so I yelled at them until they gave up.  Would anyone want to be like that?  I'm still in Mungo's...bastards STILL think I'm going to kill myself, they don't understand that it was a one time thing.  It was a nervous breakdown!  Honestly, do they think I'm going to have another one any time soon?  Well, yes, they probably do.  I've been here for three days now, and they won 't let me go back to Hogwarts.  According to Minerva, the students all think I got attacked in the Forbidden Forest.  She's probably lying, they may be stupid but they're not that stupid.  I don't resent that she's working, but...how can she?  If anything ever happened to her...oh, god, I don't want to think about it.  It's terrifying.  I love her so much...but do I count on her more than I love her?  It's like every time I do something completely stupid I expect her to come and save me.  What if she couldn't?  Nobody's told me yet who found me...oh, god, let's pray it was Minerva and not Dumbledore or someone.  If it was...ugh, I don't know.  I'm so confused, I know I'm not making any sense.  I can see why they want to sedate me.  Hell, if I wasn't me I'd want to sedate me.  Honestly, I think I damaged a few brain cells with that nervous breakdown thing.  Or maybe the spells haven't fully worn off yet.  At any rate, I'm not thinking clearly.  Minerva said she felt like a failure.  Well, more like sobbed it.  I wanted to be a good boyfriend, a normal boyfriend, a strong and emotionally well put together boyfriend and comfort her and kiss her and tell her that it's all right but I couldn't so I just sat there like the real failure that I am and I couldn't do anything except stare straight ahead because I was sedated out of my mind.  I  You'd think I would have liked the spells...I mean, I love getting drunk...but, no, I don't love it it's just preferable when you're an ALCOHOLIC. I guess it's just that with alcohol I have the illusion of control...ugh, ugh, ugh, I don't know.  I'm just shocked that I was insane enough to go off and stab myself with a quill TWICE and then just sit there while I bled out.  At least I think that's how it went, especially when you consider that I had holes in my arm and leg.  The leg didn't work out very well, or it must not have, so I suppose I moved on to the arm.  I must have stabbed very hard....my quill was relatively sharp but it's wasn't a razor or anything.  Maybe I'm more messed up than I thought.  Actually, I know I am...see, I've kind of been in denial about this...um...I saw something once.  I don't really want to talk about it.  It was a while back, a couple years ago.  I don't want to talk about it.  But I should...it was when I was talking to Dumbledore.  He was telling me about the Mirror of Erised and I was only half listening but then he got called away and I was all, hey, Severus, maybe you'll be happier if you take a look and see what you really want.  At that point, I didn't know what I wanted from life...oh, right, and I was an idiot.  Albus was stashing it in his supply closet—_so_ inventive—and I took a look.  I was only looking for a nanosecond but I still knew it all once I saw it.  Yes, I was dead.  Though some giant celestial mix-up, I'd made it to heaven.  I looked so healthy, and happy, and my mother was standing there looking pretty similar to me, and there was also a woman whose face I didn't see.  I started sobbing.  Dumbledore came back—and we don't need to go into what happened after that.  I'm crying just thinking about it...hope that shrink doesn't come back in here and see me sobbing over my diary like a twelve year old girl.  His name is Halvard, not sure if that's first or last but it really doesn't matter.  He's all right.  Yes, he did read my ENTIRE JOURNAL.  It's not like he really had a choice, but it still bothers me.  He's better than the last one, but...I still don't want a shrink!  I know full well that I need one, but...it doesn't mean I want one.  He started suggesting potions for me to try—I told him that I was a Potions master and that there wasn't an existing potion that could help me because I've tried every single one of them.  He told me that it figured that that was probably the case and that he was just covering the whole field, but I'm sure he was saving face.  It's so disappointing to try potion after potion that are supposed to make you feel better and have none of them work—Cheering Charms just don't work on me, Hope Draught makes me really sick, and Light Serum is a joke.  I've tried to make my own, and I just ended up...well, very ill.  Let's not go there.  I think I was going to say something else, but…god, I'm tired.  I need some potions and I need them promptly.    


	22. Draco is not gay in this story!

Can someone do me a favor and review this thing so I know that it's actually posting?  I'm not kidding, I've had some issues with this story in the past.  I mean, it could just be that I've scared my readership off with the nervous breakdown…but please review, I just need to know that it's WORKING.  If you're too lazy to write a real review (come on, admit it, we've all been there) just be like "good."  Or, if you disagree, "sucks."  One word.  You don't even have to put the period in.  Come on, I've got half a mind to review this garbage myself, as depressing as that sounds.  I'm only joking, people.  Oh, and by the way…..wow, I forgot what I was going to say.  I need to sleep.  Someone tell me to sleep.  Maybe if I slept more this story wouldn't have such weird plot twists….hmmm……  

Minerva hasn't dumped me, just for the record.  She's not coming to visit all that often, but that's because I really don't want her hovering around this place.  Whenever I step outside my room I immediately want to either go back inside or run the hell away from here.  I'm surrounded by freaks.  I'm not that far from the closed ward…once I had a perverse whim to go visit Lockhart but decided against it.  When Minerva last came to the hospital…damn, it was awkward.  I was sitting in bed staring at a wall like the institutionalized freak that I am.  She brought me flowers.  Tulips, yellow and pink and red and white and insanely cheerful and completely out of place.  She put them on my bedside table, and feebly slid a chair over to my bed.

            "Minerva, what's the purpose of these flowers?"

            "Oh, come on.  This room is entirely devoid of color."

            "White is a color."

            "Severus, you know what I mean."  That's when I realized that she had a headache.  Ever since my little "incident" she'd been getting stress headaches.  She knew it made me feel awful when she got them, so she tried to conceal them.

            "Minerva, thank you for the flowers."  She smiled for real, for once.  Even when you don't want to you've really got to smile around mental patients because they're all suicidal and depressed and if you're depressed you'll get them depressed too and it'll be an awful vicious cycle thing. 

            "Thank you, Severus…Severus, you haven't asked who found you yet."

            "That's because I don't really want to know."

            "It wasn't Potter or anything."

            "Thank god.  It wasn't Dumbledore?"

            "No."

            "Thank god for that, too.  So, who was it?"

            "It was Draco Malfoy."

            "Oh, god……"

            "He wanted to tell you that he was in the first selection group for Auror training.  He was so excited that when you weren't in your office he ran up to your apartment….."

            "God, Minerva….."

            "He hasn't told any of the other students."

            "That's likely."  She got her schoolmarm look.

            "He most certainly has not."  I knew he hadn't.  Draco's a good kid.  Poor bastard, he's going to have a lot of stories to tell his therapist when he gets suspended for going nuts on a few Dark wizards.  He's got a lot of things pent up inside him, I don't know what all of them are, but they're there and they're not very healthy.  Then again, who am I to talk?  I'm the clinically insane alcoholic here.  He's got quite a standard to live up to.  Like I'm his damn role model.  Severus Snape, the role model.  Right.  "He wrote you a letter."  She put the letter next to the flowers.  "Read it sometime.  He's worried about you."

            "He shouldn't be."

            "Why not?"

            "Because I'm fine."  She grabbed my hand much too tightly.  She's got a killer grip.  "Severus, you…."

            "Say it, Minerva.  I stabbed myself with a quill."

            "You didn't _just_ stab yourself with a quill, you…dammit, I don't know.  You completely broke down as a human being."

            "Minerva, honey, it's not something I'd really like to do again.  I did it once, and I'm okay with that."  She gritted her teeth."

            "Severus, you almost died.  You think you have control over these things?"

            "What kind of a question is that?  Don't ask mental patients hypothetical questions, it confuses us."

            "Severus, you're not fine, okay?  You're not good, and you're not all right.  You might be okay, just barely okay, but that's it.  I've talked to your psychiatrist, Severus, and I've talked to you.  I know you hate to say it, but you're sick.  Can you accept that?"  I didn't say anything for a few moments.

            "Okay."

            "Okay, what?"

            "I agree with what you said.  Don't make me expend too much energy here."

            "Severus….I love you, Severus.  I just want you to feel better.  But…I want to feel good, too.  And I'd feel good if you just tried to love yourself.  I know you love me, but because you don't love yourself it's damn hard for you to show it."

            "I…I love you, Minerva…..when I get out of this horrible place I want to make love to you.  I want to, and I don't know if I can do it but I'm going to try."  She smiled again, so perfectly and calmly and naturally that I wanted to French her but didn't just because…well, I'm me.

            "Great."  Then she remembered that she had an appointment with Dumbledore, and she dashed out, and I went back to staring at the wall and after five minutes of wallgazing I started crying and the tall nurse came in and asked me what was the matter and I just couldn't tell her because I had absolutely no idea.     


	23. Like angst? I am so there!

Well, hope you like it when Snape cries….

Now that I'm in a mental ward it feels like I have an excuse to cry at completely random times.  Let's see…..the nurse with big feet (I really should learn their names) smiled at me this morning and I started to cry because I missed Minerva, Halvard tried to get me to talk about why I freaked out and I started sobbing because I really didn't want to go through it, I read Draco's letter and it was just so incredibly sad that I started crying again, and…well, that was it for the day.  I'm really falling apart here, but I suppose since I'm here it's not bad to cry.  Poor Draco.  He's actually honestly concerned about me, he hopes I'll come and talk to him when I get back, he thanked me profusely for getting him onto the Auror path….I just wish Minerva would come.  I miss her.  I really, honestly, miss her.  She just makes me feel a bit better when she shows up.  She's the light at the end of the tunnel.  God, I hope I won't freak out when we attempt to have sex.  It's been a pathetically long time, and I'm not sure if I want anyone touching me.  I'm scared, and it's stupid.  It used to be easier.  It wasn't much fun, but it was easier because I was drunk and I didn't really know the girls.  But with Minerva….Glenn loved me, or at least he thought he did in his own horrible disgusting way, and he treated me like I was his lover except it was the most sickening and terrifying thing ever.  It's really hard to explain.  He'd tell me that he loved me, and I hated it.  He'd be "gentle," and I despised it.  Dammit, I'm crying again.  Halvard says that it's good, I'm confronting my feelings, but I think if it happens enough they'll keep me here longer and I'm slated to get out in two days.  Dumbledore's supposed to visit tomorrow.  God, I know.  It's going to be awful.  Sometimes I hate that man.  Good Headmaster, great Headmaster even, but obnoxious person.  He's always tried to "fix" me, but it seems like he's never done it right.  I know he thinks I'm a lesser being because I have problems.  Prick.  Sometimes I can't wait until he kicks the bucket or (like that'll ever happen) retires because then Minerva will become the Headmaster.  She may be Head of Gryffindor, but she's not biased like Dumbledore.  

            Wow, I really am psychotic.  Halvard came in, again, like he had absolutely nothing better to do.

            "Halvard, you really don't need to keep bothering me like this."  He smiled.  It disturbed me.

            "Maybe if you opened up I wouldn't keep bothering you so much…."  I gave in.  I realized that he was right.

            "Okay.  Fire away, Halvard.  I'm not going anywhere."

            "All right, then, let's cut to the chase….why do you think your breakdown happened when it did?"

            "I don't know….I honestly have no clue."

            "You'd just come back from seeing a psychiatrist, am I correct?"

            "In a sense….it wasn't satisfactory.  He was both incompetent and apathetic."

            "How were you feeling when you left the psychiatrist's?"

            "I don't know…..disappointed, maybe.  Angry."

            "Did you feel like you had no options left?"  Aaaaannnnddd that's when I started to cry.  God, it's really pathetic what's been happening to me lately.

            "Yes."

            "So why do you think you fell apart like that?"

            "Because I didn't know what else to do."

            "Why did you stab yourself with the quill?"

            "I, uh….I just wanted to hurt myself….."

            "Why?"

            "Because…because…oh, god….I really hate myself.  I hated myself then, hated myself for not appreciating the shrink and for making Minerva angry and……"

            "Yes?"

            "And for screwing up my entire life.  For being such a piece of shit…."  He looked into my eyes.  It sounds creepy, but it wasn't.

            "Severus, you suffer from a medical condition known as depression.  Do you accept that?"

            "It's what people tell me.  I suppose I accept it.  What's to accept?"

            "It can be triggered by events, but its main cause is chemical imbalances in the brain.  It's Muggle science that I admittedly do not understand.  Muggles are way ahead of us in the treatment and diagnosis of depression."

            "How are you going to treat it?"

            "Therapy, certainly, but….would you consider trying Muggle medicine?  It works quite well.  There are potions currently in development, but….please consider it."

            "What the hell.  I doubt it'll help, though."

            "And why is that?"  I had only recently stopped crying, and at this point recommenced bawling.

            "This is me, Halvard.  This is who I am.  You can't take away my self-loathing, you can't take away my urges to drink, you can't take away my anger, and you certainly can't make Glenn disappear."

            "Do you want to talk about Glenn?"

            "Why?  It's all in my journal.  You already read it." 

            "Okay, then, never mind.  Severus…..I think you should stay here for another five days.  I can get you started on the Muggle drugs and get  a real therapy regimen going.  What do you think?"

            "Sure.  I think I need to stay here longer."

            "Great.  You're making real progress already, Severus."  Then he left.  I can't believe I agreed to stay here any longer.  Bastard wormed it out of me when I was incapacitated.  If Minerva doesn't come soon I think I'm going to have another breakdown.  I'm kidding.  God, I swear, I'm kidding.  


	24. Deep thoughts about bundt cake

If you write fiction, you'll know what I mean when I talk about ideas that come from completely out of nowhere.  It was 1 AM when I started writing this chapter, and the whole bundt cake thing just popped out from the disturbed recesses of my mind.  I haven't eaten a bundt cake in at least a year, I think I saw one at Panera Bread a few days ago but…..come on, I have better things to think about than bundt cake.  At the time of my writing this, I thought it was very deep and well written and insightful, but now that I think about it….meh, who really cares?

Minerva came eventually, thank God.  She brought bundt cake, which is a truly hilarious food.  I'm sure she was testing me with that bundt cake, trying to see if I'd find it funny and laugh about it because that would prove that I was getting better.  I didn't laugh, though.  Hey, at least I acknowledged that it's just a funny food.  Come on, even depressed people like me have to recognize that bundt is a hysterical word.  I may not find it funny, but there's just no arguing with it.  The hilarity of bundt cake is unavoidable, it's a simple fact that bundt cake is funny, period.  I think this is how I realized that Halvard wasn't just blatantly lying to me about my being depressed.  See, when I was a teenager, I would have laughed at the bundt cake.  And there was a period after the war and before Potter came to Hogwarts when I most likely would have laughed at the bundt cake.  But now….it just doesn't seem funny, even though I know that it _is._  When you use the Bundt Cake Case Study, the brain chemical thing makes more sense.  Anyways, I digress.  Minerva set the bundt cake down, practically leaped like….um, a cat onto my bed, and kissed me hard.  It was pretty much out of nowhere, and when something like that happens there's usually a reason behind it.  

            "Minerva….what was that for?"

            "What do you mean, what was it for?  I love you….isn't that enough?"

            "Are you trying to convince yourself that you love me?"  She frowned and looked down.  "Minerva, I didn't mean it like that……"  She glanced up at me and smiled.  

            "I know you didn't."

            "I'm staying here for five more days, Minerva.  My decision.  And I'll be trying Muggle medicine….."

            "I know.  It's all great.  I talked to Halvard."  That pissed me off for some godforsaken reason.

            "You did what?  You're talking about me behind my back?  Discussing my condition like I'm in a coma?  That's lovely.  That's courteous."

            "Severus, he doesn't tell me anything that he doesn't tell you.  And I'm sure he doesn't tell me everything you tell him, because he doesn't tell me a lot."  I sighed.  The whole idea of it just bothered me at the time.  "Severus, please don't take this the wrong way since I'm just ranting…but…..I always try to make you happy, Severus.  You know that I do.  And whatever it takes to make you happy, I'll do it.  It's exhausting, and sometimes it seems futile but I have hope and I try.  I love you so much, Severus….please try, just try, to appreciate what I'm trying to do for you."  She started to cry.  I was petrified for about five seconds, just frozen.  Suddenly, it came to me.  I needed to be strong.  I couldn't always be the one being comforted.  It was an entirely inappropriate relationship.  I put my arm around her shoulders.  I tried to say something, I don't know what, but I really couldn't speak.  Then I gave up and started to cry too.  There we were, boyfriend and girlfriend sitting in a tiny hospital bed sobbing our eyes out together for no apparent reason.  Minerva stopped crying after about two minutes, but I couldn't stop.  It was scary.  I was worried that I was going to have another breakdown.  Maybe that was another breakdown.  It doesn't matter.  I lost track of time.  Neither one of us was speaking.  Eventually, the nurse with big feet came in.  She opened the door rather abruptly, which probably shocked me out of my crying jag.

            "Severus?  Is everything all right in here?"

            "I'm fine."

            "Are you sure?  Would you like me to get Halvard?"

            "No.  Goodbye."  She left with a pitying/condescending look on her face that made me want to rip her overlarge feet off and shove them down her throat.  Minerva turned to me.

            "You're sure you're all right, Severus?"

            "Yes…but I'm sorry, Minerva.  Sorry I'm not more…I don't know, more supportive, more of a real man.  I'm so sorry."

            "Severus, never say that you're not a real man.  You are.  You might not be macho, and you might not be perfect, but you are a man, and a wonderful man."  I realized that I had run out of tears, and took advantage of the situation.

            "Minerva….why do you love me now?  Why do you love me when I stab myself with quills and end up in hospital wards and cry all the time and never smile and make you feel like a failure…..how can you love me when I'm like this?  Nobody else can.  Nobody else can even stand me."  She got that passionate-cause look, like there were little tiny fires burning behind each of her eyes.  There's all the intensity of fire, but there's all the warmth too.

            "That's not true.  There's Dumbledore, and Draco, and all the other teachers, and all of your Slytherins…..the Slytherins miss you, Severus, they miss your presence and your protection."

            "I don't want to argue….I just want your answer……"

            "Severus, I love you because under that shell of depression there's a beautiful, caring, witty, brilliant, and incredibly attractive human being.  I can see it, because I've caught glimpses of it in the time I've known you.  I know it's there, it's all there, even if you don't know it…..I want to get it out there, Severus, out in the open.  I want everyone to know what I know.  Most of all, I want you to know what I know."  I didn't know what to say, so I just kissed her.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  I meant to rest on her lips for a couple seconds, maybe stick my tongue in for good measure, but once I realized what I was doing I pulled away instinctively.  She smiled.

            "Minerva….would you mind cutting me some of that bundt cake?  I'm damn hungry."  So we ate the bundt cake in silence, just staring at each other.  She had to leave, and now I don't know how I feel but hopefully I'll figure it out eventually.          


	25. Dumbledore is the MAN!

I need to start doing reviewer thank-yous again.  Why?  Cuz.  Okay….did I ever get around to thanking hybridphoenix?  I have a creepy feeling that I never did thank you, so belated thank you!  Thank you LinZE, once again…and thank you Lise!  I was thinking of having Dumbledore come to visit Sevvie already, but your review was the impetus (big words are fun) that I needed to put it in there!  Hope y'all like my rendering of Dumbledore…

Minerva had forgotten to tell me that Dumbledore was coming to visit.  Therefore, I was shocked to say the least when he burst into my room and gave me a hug.  I was sitting in my bed, staring at the wall again and thinking, when Dumbledore scares the hell out of me by grabbing me with all of his bony old man strength.  I, for one, do not like being hugged by men.  Well, I don't like being hugged by anyone except Minerva, but….I don't need to explain myself here.  

            "Dammit, Albus, could you get the hell off of me?  And what the hell are you doing here?"  He looked hurt, and I can't blame him.  "I'm sorry, Albus, it's just…."

            "It's fine, Severus.  Didn't Minerva tell you I was coming to visit you today?"

            "She neglected to mention it, Albus."  He laughed.

            "Then I can understand your surprise….and I'm sorry that I couldn't contain my emotions.  I was just so happy to see you, Severus."

            "And why is that?"

            "You look great, Severus.  I really mean it.  You look much healthier."

            "That's probably because they force-feed me here."  He laughed nervously.

            "Albus, I've got to ask you something, and I want to answer truthfully.  What does everyone at Hogwarts know…about…this?"  He smiled again.  He's too damn happy for someone visiting a mental patient.

            "I told everyone in the school that you had been very stressed lately and took some time off to clear your head.  No one has any reason to not believe this."

            "What did you tell the faculty?"

            "The same."

            "Thank god.  Thank you, Albus.  If it had gotten out….."

            "I understand."  Why does _anyone_ think it's _ever_ appropriate to say that?

            "Albus….it goes without saying that you do not, in fact, understand.  In fact, you can't even begin to comprehend my situation."

            "I wasn't thinking, Severus.  I'm sorry I said that, I didn't mean it.  I don't understand….but if you want me to, I'm all ears, any time."  I snorted.  God, I love that snort.  It's so useful.

            "Oh, you don't want to understand, trust me…why are you really here, Albus?  Because it's your duty as Headmaster?  Because you feel guilty that I tried to off myself on your watch?  Or just because I make you feel better about yourself?  When you look at me, Headmaster, I can see that you're always thinking about how you'd never let yourself go like I did.  Well, Albus, maybe you wouldn't have done what I did, but I sincerely doubt it.  You don't know half of the things that have happened to me, Dumbledore.  You couldn't even imagine them if you tried.  And you don't want to try, Albus.  You sure as hell don't want to try."  Speeches like that are profoundly exhausting, so I fell back against the headboard of my bed and closed my eyes.  Albus sighed and put his head in his hands.  I suddenly felt like a total prick.

            "Severus…I like you, Severus.  I didn't always like you, I'll admit it.  You weren't one of my favorite students.  When you joined the Death Eaters, I realized the error of my ways.  Ever since you've came back to school, I've tried to make up for past mistakes…I've tried to treat you well, I've tried to be your friend.  Every time you've done harm to yourself, I've winced inside because I 'm constantly wondering…what could I have done?  I just want you to be happy, Severus, and I honestly care about your continued welfare…I have faith in you, Severus.  I'm one more person who cares about you.  Sometimes I think of you like my son, Severus…my son, who I deeply care about.  I don't know if that offends you, but it's true."  He was exhausted too.  We stared at each other for a while.  As usual, I didn't know what to think.  After some pondering, I came to terms with my emotions at the time.

            "Albus…I'm sorry.  I just haven't realized…I just couldn't see……if you want to think of me as your son, I'm happy about that.  Go right ahead.  You'd be…a better father than any I've ever had…."  Can you guess what happened next?  Come on, think about it, it'll come to you…I started crying, mainly because I couldn't believe I'd told Dumbledore about my awful/scarring family history.  Well, I hadn't really…..I wasn't sobbing, mind you, just crying silently and rubbing my eyes a lot.  Albus put his arm around my shoulders.

            "It's all right, Severus.  You'll get through this.  I swear, you will."  I stopped crying, and he stepped back.  "How are you being treated?"

            "They're going to get me started on Muggle drugs…and there's going to be therapy, too."

            "Good….."  He grinned again.  "You might not feel it right now, but you seem much better to me.  Do you feel better?"

            "I suppose I do.  That doesn't mean very much, but….I don't know."

            "The Slytherins miss you, Severus."

            "So I've been told."

            "They're constantly asking me when you're going to come back….when do you plan to check out?"

            "In three days."

            "All right."

            "Albus, have you been talking to Draco?"

            "Yes, I have been.  Often.  I'm not making the same mistake I made with you, Severus."

            "Don't be too hard on yourself, Albus.  I was troubled before I came to Hogwarts."

            "That doesn't excuse it…but at any rate, Draco seems to be doing all right.  He'll be a fine Auror."

            "And Potter…how did that all turn out?"

            "The committee refused Harry."

            "Good."

            "Severus…this is my fault, too.  I allowed Harry's ego to swell after he defeated Voldemort.  I had too much faith in him."

            "He always had a large ego, Albus.  It just became more prominent after he defeated Voldemort."

            "It doesn't matter, Severus.  What matters is his current attitude."

            "His current attitude is atrocious."

            "I hate to say it, but…I must agree."  He smiled sadly.  "Looks like we finally agree on something, Severus."

            "What's that supposed to mean?"

            "Oh, I don't know.  I've got to run, Severus.  I'm looking forward to your return to Hogwarts."  He hugged me again—this time it wasn't as creepy—and left.  I now officially have "good" relationships with three people—Minerva, Draco, and Albus.  You really only need three people, right?


	26. I wish Snape would come to Chicago

In this chapter, Snapey gets all introspective-like.  I like writing these chapters.  They're really fun for me, because I like entering the depths of other peoples' creepy little minds like that.  Does that make me weird?  Hell, I'm already about as weird as one person can possibly be.

Last night there was a thunderstorm.  It was pretty short and crappy, but at least it gave me an excuse for a nostalgia trip.  When I was little, and there was a thunderstorm, I used to lie there in my bed and pretend that I could control the thunder and lightning.  Even back then I couldn't control anything.  I've never really had control over anything.  My whole life I've never had enough willpower to prevent from getting shoved into things.  I got shoved into the Death Eaters, I got shoved into my job at Hogwarts, I'm an alcoholic which I suppose is the ultimate loss of control……I've always tried to control whatever I could.  That's usually been the students.  At least I'm supposed to control them.  I try, but it doesn't always work.  I know that many of the students despise me…..I really don't care, as long as I can have power over them.  It perturbs me to no end when students like Potter don't accept my authority.  I just want to be able to have some control….some power, just a little bit.  It seems like I've never been able to take the initiative in anything, at any point in my life.  I never stopped anything the other Death Eaters were doing because I really couldn't bring myself to do it.  I'd just watch, never say anything, just watch and feel like a loser because I knew I really shouldn't be there at all and shouldn't be a part of this Death Eater thing but I just couldn't drag myself out of it….I finally did, thank god, but I was shoved into that too.  I'd reached the limit of what I could handle.  I had to reach the limit before I did anything.  I remember when I came to Dumbledore.  I showed up at Hogwarts, so drunk I could barely walk, and started sobbing all of my problems to him.  He told me that the only solution was for me to be a double agent.  I had to appear in front of the Order before they accepted me…I don't want to go through it.  I was humiliated, to say the least.  They kept asking why I'd joined and why I hadn't come to them earlier and I didn't have an answer, I didn't know, I couldn't say, and they just kept pressing until Dumbledore told them to lay off me and nobody wanted to.  Especially James.  He just couldn't let it go.  Lily looked absolutely furious, like she was totally disappointed in me…but what did she expect?  And Sirius seemed to think it was all very funny.  He didn't say anything, but I knew it was all quite amusing to him.  He always liked it best when he could make me cry.  On another note, I started on the Muggle drugs today.  Apparently they'll take a while to kick in…if they even do work.  Nice.  In two days, I have to go back to Hogwarts.  I have to start brewing my own potions again (which I prefer anyways), I have to make small talk with all of the teachers about my little "relaxation getaway," and I have to teach classes again.  I've fabricated these details about my fictional vacation—

-I was visiting my aunt in Chicago.

-I didn't do that much sightseeing, but I did visit the Sears Tower.

-I spent most of my time sleeping.

That should cover it.  Halvard got me to talk about Glenn today…for a little while…I mean, he already knew from reading my journal, so there really wasn't much to say.  Besides, I really can't talk about it for all that long.  I'm scared to leave the hospital.  I know it's stupid, but it's true.  It's easy to be healthy when you're in a hospital…I'm worried that when I get back to Hogwarts I won't eat and take too many Sleeping Potions and treat Minerva badly and (god forbid) start drinking again.  I can't really trust myself.  Now I understand that I have people to fall back on…Minerva, obviously, but Dumbledore too.  I can't believe I opened up to Albus like that.  I guess I'm susceptible to that "father" crap.  And he was being honest.  Finally he admitted that he didn't like me when I was a student.  I don't really want to ponder why he didn't like me, I'll just leave it at that because I trust him now.  I just need to write down that I want a drink very badly.  I've been attempting to push it out of my head, but it's true.  I'm going to go through the rest of my life wanting a drink.  Maybe, eventually, it won't be this urgent.  Maybe someday I'll be able to get it out of my head.  Who knows? 


	27. A pointlessly long author's note

You read one slashfic….so, anyways, I read a Remus/Severus slash yesterday that was actually quite good (it's really one of the few slash pairings that doesn't creep me out or make me laugh hysterically) and last night I had the strangest goddamn dream.  In this dream, I was Remus' adopted daughter (don't ask) and I lived with him in the basement of a bookstore.  One day, I found Severus carving a love poem to Remus on the marble steps of some big building that looked like the Field Museum.  (The poem was really strange.)  It turns out that they had had sex the night before, decided that they were madly in love and Snape was going to move in with Remus and me.  I was kind of pissed for no apparent reason….oh, and Millicent Bulstrode was in there too in some incredibly vague capacity.  It might have been Pansy Parkinson, though.  Same difference.  There was probably more, but I think I forgot it.  I've had a Snape dream once before….but this author's note is already too long.  I'll tell y'all later.

Tomorrow is my last day here.  I'm going to go to one more therapy session and then sneak back to Hogwarts.  I've honestly been insanely bored for my last two days here….but I'm still terrified to leave.  I've been thinking about what I'm going to do when I get back.  I'm definitely going to talk to Draco.  I need to talk to that boy.  I wonder how his mother's doing…behind it all, I think Narcissa was very fragile.  She just needed someone to be by her all the time, and now she doesn't have Lucius.  It must be a very heavy burden for Draco…all of my Slytherins are so lost, so hated.  All of the other houses despise them, now more than ever, so they have to band together and lash out at anyone outside the group.  I can see why they'd want me back.  At least I try to protect them.  Sometimes I wonder I they really respect me.  I know Draco does, but the others I'm never too sure about.  At any rate, I also plan on making love to Minerva.  Well, I hope it'll happen.  It's been an embarrassingly long time since I've been with anyone, and there's a sense of dread every time I think about it.  Of course I've had sex…but not in very many years.  It's so pathetic, I don't even want to write it down.  Once in the entire time I've worked at Hogwarts.  Once.  And I barely remember it.  Her name was Janine.  All I really remember about her was that she had dyed green hair and that she wanted me to slap her hard.  Apparently I look like the kind of guy who'd be into that sort of thing.  I told her that I really didn't want to, she got pissed, we exchanged fluids, and she ran out of my apartment as soon as possible.  Everyone I've ever had sex with has left disappointed.  And afterwards, I've always been…well, more than disappointed.  I remember after Janine left, I was sitting in my bed naked and this sick feeling swept through me and I put on the thickest nightshirt I own and went to the bathroom and threw up.  I have a very strong stomach but there was something about that quickie, unfulfilling sex that just scared the hell out of me.  I felt raped, if that makes any sense at all.  After Janine I decided that sex just wasn't for me.  I didn't have much of a libido, for various reasons, and I just pushed all thought of sex out of my mind.  That is, until I really started to notice Minerva.  Then I thought, maybe, but I'd always tell myself that she'd never have sex with someone like me and I gave up.  I'd always try to deny my feelings for Minerva.  That's why I never wrote about it.  There was that one night when I hugged her…I really couldn't help myself, she smelled like vanilla.  Not that I was really in a state to appreciate it, but it was vanilla nonetheless.  I didn't consider it an important detail.  I hope I won't seem like a total cad if I ask Minerva to wear that scent again…oh, what do I have to lose?  When I'm back a Hogwarts, I've really got to remember to eat.  When they're feeding you three squares here at the hospital, you really realize how much you actually eat.  And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was giving a whole new meaning to the term "liquid diet."  I just wasn't hungry.  I'm still not very hungry, but I'm just going to have to make myself eat.  I'm also going to have to work on not drinking, but I've already been through that enough.  Teaching will be difficult, especially the Gryffindors.  When I really think about it, I realize that one fourth of the student body collectively hates me.  Hey, maybe it's gotten better since I started dating their Head of House.  I don't think anyone knows other than Dumbledore…but we really shouldn't be keeping it under wraps like this.  We'll work it out when we get back to Hogwarts.  I don't think the Muggle medicine's worked yet, because I haven't smiled yet.  I'll know it when I smile again.        


	28. Quickie chapter! Yay!

            So, about my other Potterverse dream…for some reason, I had to stay overnight in Snape's apartment (not that kind of overnight, you sick freaks!).  He's apartment was very small but tastefully decorated in a modern-pan-Asian sort of way.  I think he might have had an older girlfriend with red hair…Minerva, maybe?  I never really remember my dreams.  At any rate, this chapter is too short.  Sorry, it's all I could crank out.

When I walked into my apartment tonight, Minerva was already there.

            "Welcome back, Severus."  She gave me a kiss.  "I redecorated.  Hope you like it."  She had.  She's repainted the walls to be a really lovely, metallic shade of Slytherin green, she's put new sheets on my bed, she's even dusted.

            "Thank you, Minerva.  It looks great."  I didn't change my facial expression, unfortunately.

            "You don't like it?"

            "No, no, I love it, it's just….you kind of have to trust me on that.  You have no idea how much I appreciate it."  She reached out and touched my cheek.

            "You look good, Severus."

            "Yeah, apparently I do.  That's what they've been telling me."

            "You _do_, though."

            "What looks better?"

            "Well, you're not so skinny anymore.  Recently, you'd been looking…kind of sickly.  You weren't really eating."

            "I guess I wasn't."  She suddenly got nervous.

            "I'm not saying you looked bad before, I'm just…"

            "Minerva, I looked like shit.  Just say it.  It's true."

            "I guess you're right.  You did look awful.  But now, it's better."

            "Maybe.  You don't need to lie to me, Minerva.  I know what I am, and I know what I was."

            "Okay." She didn't seem hurt, but you really can never know.  "Do you have lesson plans prepared for your classes tomorrow?"

            "Yes…Fourth Year Gryffindors first, that should be fun.  I don't mean to insult your Gryffindors, I'm just saying…"

            "I understand."

            "Minerva, should we let people know we're dating?"

            "I don't know.  What do you want to do?"

            "I don't care either way.  I'm guessing you want to keep it private?"

            "For as long as we can…unless it's too much stress for you."

            "No, I really don't want anyone knowing my business either."

            "Good.  Severus, I have to go…but just let me know whenever you want to go further.  You know."  She smiled and left, and here I am.  You know, I really hate this apartment.  It's claustrophobic, and too many bad things have happened in here.  It's much better now that Minerva's decorated it, but…my room at the hospital was more of a clean slate.  It was white, it was clean, it was simple…some people hate spaces like that, but I like it better than rooms with baggage.  I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, really.  I need to try, though—don't wan to look like a psycho during my classes tomorrow.     


	29. Draco has angst too!

Reviewer thank-yous are awesome!  Thank you LinZE, again…you rock!  Thank you excessivelyperky…yeah, I know.  Most of this was never revised.  It's true.  I'm sorry!  Thank you Snape's Secrets…just out of curiosity, what are Snape's Secrets?  Other than his affinity for the ocarina…but that's another story.  Thank you MellonDrama…is that Mellon as in Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness?  YES!!!!!!!!!  Billy Corgan pride!  Ahem…moving on…I got this awesome coat the other day that I'm officially christening the Snape Coat because it's long and black and it _swoops_.  Go Snape coat!  Oh, in case you were wondering…I'm moving to Montana soon to be a dental floss tycoon.  If you know what I'm talking about, you're really cool.  This is a real chapter for once.  It's a miracle!  I features Draco angst.  Come on, it's not like Snape's got a monopoly on all the angst in this story.  There's enough angst to go around.  Everybody can have some!  Yes, loyal reader, even you!  Me, I get out all my angst with this story.  No foolin'.  

The Fourth-Year Gryffindors looked liked someone had threatened to kill their mommies when they walked into class this morning.  I'd managed to get some sleep the night before—just a few hours, so I was still pretty groggy—and had made sure I didn't look like a psycho.  I did that by putting on a freshly cleaned and pressed robe, washing my hair thoroughly, and shoving down some 

buttered toast at breakfast.  In all honesty, I can't figure out why they were so scared…maybe they got too comfortable with having me out of the picture.  I don't think my temperament with them changed at all.  I was entirely sarcastic, I took off copious amounts of points from Gryffindor, and gave a couple students detention.  I consider that a success.  I really, really don't want them thinking that I had some life-changing event and became a new man.  That's about the last thing I want a bunch of Fourth-Year Gryffindors thinking.  When that class ended, I had my Seventh-Year Slytherins, Draco Malfoy included.  I have to say that it was a…well, it was fun.  By all accounts, it was fun.  How else could one describe it?  We were all witty, everyone was paying attention…it was one of the best classes I've ever taught.  And I smirked twice.  It wasn't a smile, but it was about 60 percent of one.  That's progress, in my opinion.  After class, Draco stayed behind.

            "I'm glad you're back, Professor."

            "I'm glad to be back, too.  Thank you for the letter."

            "You're welcome."

            "How are your parents, Draco?"  He sighed.  I knew it was a touchy subject, but I really had to know.

            "I really don't know about my father.  I don't want to see him.  I'm angry at him."

            "You have a right to."

            "He was a good father.  In most respects.  I just couldn't understand why…"

            "Neither could I.  I never could understand why such a charismatic man as your father would want to join with Voldemort.  I had my own reasons…"  Then I had to pause.  I never really can know who knows about my past and who doesn't know.  I assumed that Draco did, and thankfully he did.

            "I suppose my dad just wanted power."

            "You're probably right…and how's Narcissa?"

            "She's not good.  She was very attached to my father, and now that she can't see him…they loved each other, and they can never see each other for the rest of their lives.  I understand why, it's perfectly logical, it's just…my parents are people.  Everyone seems to keep forgetting that.  My father was power-hungry and my mother was manipulative but they were people.  Why is that so hard to grasp?"  He was about to cry.  "My mother's depressed.  I think I should petition Dumbledore or someone to let her go to St. Mungo's and get some help…"  I put my hand on his.  At that moment, I felt like a father, and while it was a bit creepy it also felt very appropriate.

            "Draco, I'll talk to Dumbledore.  He'll understand.  They'll take good care of her there…that's where I've been."  He began to sob quietly.

            "Professor, I was so excited and I went to your apartment and there you were and…why?  I shouldn't be asking this, but why?  I can't understand.  You were always the protector, all the Slytherins looked up to you…I never…"

            "I don't know why I did it, Draco.  I'm so sorry you had to see it.  I was in a bad place, and I'm better now."  He stopped crying and started yelling.  Well, it wasn't yelling.  It was that cold, quiet Slytherin talking-to that he either learned from Lucius or me.

            "Yeah, that's what I figured.  You'd give some half-assed answer like that and expect it to be enough.  It's not enough.  I know I'm just a student, but I'm a student who depended on you and thought that you were…a damned demigod!  I knew you were human, but I never could even fathom…if Professor Snape wants to kill himself, it might just seem like one more tough break for Draco Malfoy, but enough tough breaks and I start getting angry."  I had to stop.  What do you say to something like that?  I decided that I should just tell him the truth.

            "All right, Draco.  I'll tell you why.  I tried to stab myself to death with a quill because at that moment I hated myself, and it didn't even cross my mind that other people might care.  I didn't have the presence of mind to consider whether you would care if I died.  I was selfish, and I was sick, and I'm sorry.  I'm as sorry as I possibly can be, which might not seem sorry enough but it's all I can give you, Draco.  I'd never do it again, Draco.  Never."

            "Professor, I'm sorry I got mad, I'm truly sorry…"

            "You had a right to be!  Don't be sorry."

            "Still…"

            "Forget about it, Draco.  I deserve it."

            "okay.  Thank you, Professor.  If you ever need me to help grade papers or teach a First-Year class or anything, I'd be happy to help."

            "I appreciate the offer, Draco."

            "And if you'd eve like to come visit me and my mum…we'd be glad to have you over."

            "Would it be allowed?"       

            "I'm sure.  I think she might like entertaining a guest for a few days.  Maybe over the Christmas break?  That's coming up soon…" And it is.  Only another week until the students head out.  For the first year in what seems like a million, I'll be buying presents.

            "Do you think two houseguests would be too many for Narcissa to handle?"  His eyes widened.  I knew it would cheer him up if I managed to work Minerva into the conversation.

            "Not at all, but who's the mystery guest?"

            "This doesn't leave this classroom, but it's Professor McGonagall."  He laughed.  It was probably an involuntary reaction from the shock.

            "What?"

            "She might not want to come.  Would you want her over?"  He grinned.

            "Are you kidding?  I'd love it!  Professor…I can't believe this…you're actually dating Professor McGonagall?"

            "Hard to believe, isn't it." 

            "It's amazing…I'm great at keeping secrets, don't worry."

            "Thank you, Draco."

            "We can discuss the specifics after the next class.  Of your visit, I mean.  Is that all right with you?"

            "That's a good time.  See you soon, Draco."

            "Goodbye, Professor!"  He was still grinning as he walked out the door.  The rest of the school day was uneventful—another Slytherin class, and a few Hufflepuffs.    I'm sitting in my office now and I'm drinking some tea that Poppy Pomfrey's been handing out.  Apparently it prevents colds.  At this point, a cold might be the least of my problems, but the tea's warm and comforting.  I can't believe I kept it together during that talk with Draco.  I think I really did a bang-up job with that one.  200 points for Slytherin…not.  Speaking of points, Slytherin's been winning some games recently and they're in the lead for the house cup.  Draco's not the best Seeker, but when he tries his damnest it usually works out for the best.  What should I do know?  I could go talk to Dumbledore—I think he wants to go out to dinner with Minerva and me tonight.  That should be interesting.  I smirked three times while writing that.               


	30. The angst is BACK!

Can you believe I'm updating?  Shocking, innit?  Well, I just kinda felt like it.  Maybe if you review I'll write some more....winkity winkity.

Well, you know what, that went horribly.  Nice one, Severus.  See where optimism gets me?  See what happens when I trust myself too much?  I had dinner with Minerva and Albus tonight.  Well, I actually couldn't eat.  The food just looked repulsive, and it was actually making me rather nauseous.  I was incredibly nervous the entire time.  I really wanted a drink.  I was staring somewhat directly at a man who closely resembled Glenn.   Minerva looked so sad.  I sat there feeling like a fish out of water to the utmost extent of the cliché until the entrees arrived.  I took one bite of the halibut.  When I didn't take another bite for five minutes, Minerva turned to me.

            "Severus, um, are you feeling all right?  You haven't really seemed right..."

            "Well, that would make sense, wouldn't it?"

            "Severus, exactly what are you trying to say?"

            "Can we end this stupid little dinner?"

            "I...here, Albus, will you let us go speak for a second?"

            "No problem, Minerva."  She led me to one of the bathrooms and slammed the door behind us.

            "What's wrong, Severus?"

            "Oh, God...what isn't wrong?'

            "Severus, come on, calm down, take some deep breaths....."

            "I've been taking deep breaths all dinner long!  It hasn't worked!  You haven't even been paying any attention to me, have you?"

            "Severus, will you shut up for once?  You don't seem to be able to comprehend how hard it's been for me lately.  You completely drain me, Severus.  I'm always worrying about you, taking care of you....just once I wanted to have dinner with my boyfriend and my old friend Albus.  How many women would have put up with this shit, Severus?  Not very many!  Don't get me wrong, I love you, I just...what was it this time, Severus?  Which of one your little neuroses went haywire tonight?  Could you have more problems, Severus?  I mean....we can barely even kiss without you freaking out, and forget sex!  You can't just sit there and wait for happiness to land on your shoulders, Severus.  You have to at least vaguely attempt to find it yourself.  You want to go home, Severus?  Then go home.  Albus and I are staying here.  We were having a lovely conversation about Apparating licenses, and I'd like to continue it."  She pointed towards the door with one pretty little finger, and I just sort of snuck out, and then I hid under the covers for a while, and now here I am.  Maybe I'll try to sleep.  I wonder what she's thinking about now.  Probably anything other than me.


End file.
